thinkin...
written 10/3/07
you know, the funny thing about this life, is that we spend our time trying to figure ourselves and everything around us out, and i don't understand myself at all.
i don't understand how i can feel so lost and so found at the same time.
i think it might have something to do with the fact that i have spent the nights in the past week and a half in four different beds, in 3 different countries and two different states. i think it's because somehow, each of those beds felt a little like home.
it's hard to be torn, between so many different places, and to feel as though each place holds a piece of "home", but to still be missing so much at the same time.
it's hard to be back here in El Paso. it's hard to be away from Costa Rica. not because Costa Rica was the greatest place in the world; but because i miss the family i made there, the home i created there. it's hard to be in El Paso because i miss GA. i miss so much about GA. but it's not the things that i find myself staring and thinking about. it's the people, the relationships, my family. and at the same time, it's good to be in El Paso, because this is my family here too. i am surrounded by people that i share the same desires and purpose in life with. and we have all sacrificed home, and comfort and familiarity in our 20's and early 30's to be here. and we have become each others family, because we have left our own.
you know i was thinking today, about how much i love what i do. i love doing something that i believe in; that i feel is so much bigger than myself. i don't think i'll ever be "content" doing anything less. i truly feel i've been "blessed with a burden" and am just holding on to see where this journey takes me. today i also thought about how much i miss my home, my family, my life, my comforts, the familiarity that i knew, that i have only visited over the past 3 years. you know i just realized it really is right at three years, almost exactly to the day that i moved out here with all my stuff to start this big journey. i never in a million years thought this journey would lead me to costa rica or to where i am now, who knows what time will bring. so this thought of "contentment," and feeling lost and found at the same time, just continues my endless thoughts of wondering and thinking about this life that we all find ourselves in.
over the past few years, and during my time in Costa Rica, i've spent alot of time struggling with and contemplating one idea, and that being about the perverbial grass, and how it's always greener somewhere else. and it's true i think. i've heard my friends tell me how jealous they are of my going and seeing and doing and traveling and taking off to do the things i want. and at the same time, i've envied their staying put, and their families, and family dinners and someone to sit around and spend their time with.
you see i'm learning that we become so desperate to leave this life behind, that we end up missing everything that we are, along with where we are.
you know, the funny thing about this life, is that we spend our time trying to figure ourselves and everything around us out, and i don't understand myself at all.
i don't understand how i can feel so lost and so found at the same time.
i think it might have something to do with the fact that i have spent the nights in the past week and a half in four different beds, in 3 different countries and two different states. i think it's because somehow, each of those beds felt a little like home.
it's hard to be torn, between so many different places, and to feel as though each place holds a piece of "home", but to still be missing so much at the same time.
it's hard to be back here in El Paso. it's hard to be away from Costa Rica. not because Costa Rica was the greatest place in the world; but because i miss the family i made there, the home i created there. it's hard to be in El Paso because i miss GA. i miss so much about GA. but it's not the things that i find myself staring and thinking about. it's the people, the relationships, my family. and at the same time, it's good to be in El Paso, because this is my family here too. i am surrounded by people that i share the same desires and purpose in life with. and we have all sacrificed home, and comfort and familiarity in our 20's and early 30's to be here. and we have become each others family, because we have left our own.
you know i was thinking today, about how much i love what i do. i love doing something that i believe in; that i feel is so much bigger than myself. i don't think i'll ever be "content" doing anything less. i truly feel i've been "blessed with a burden" and am just holding on to see where this journey takes me. today i also thought about how much i miss my home, my family, my life, my comforts, the familiarity that i knew, that i have only visited over the past 3 years. you know i just realized it really is right at three years, almost exactly to the day that i moved out here with all my stuff to start this big journey. i never in a million years thought this journey would lead me to costa rica or to where i am now, who knows what time will bring. so this thought of "contentment," and feeling lost and found at the same time, just continues my endless thoughts of wondering and thinking about this life that we all find ourselves in.
over the past few years, and during my time in Costa Rica, i've spent alot of time struggling with and contemplating one idea, and that being about the perverbial grass, and how it's always greener somewhere else. and it's true i think. i've heard my friends tell me how jealous they are of my going and seeing and doing and traveling and taking off to do the things i want. and at the same time, i've envied their staying put, and their families, and family dinners and someone to sit around and spend their time with.
you see i'm learning that we become so desperate to leave this life behind, that we end up missing everything that we are, along with where we are.
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