boxes and bows

i like to be able to put things in a box; wrap them up and put a big bow on top. if i've known you very long, at some point i've attempted to do this to you. i've categorized you so that you make sense in my life. everything in my life seems to be all or nothing, black or white, with little room for the gray or in between. or at least when the gray is there i have no idea what to do with it. i try desperately to put words into sentences to confine my life and experiences to a piece of paper, and when i am left speechless, i am lost. i have found that the realest, truest moments in my life seem to be the ones that i couldn't put words to; that were too big for what the English language could explain. yet still i try.

i realize that i'm trying to put words to my life again. i'm trying to package it neatly into a box, but it isn't working, it doesn't fit; it never has. and i think that's where my confusion comes in. i want to understand my life, get it figured out and put a check mark on my to-do-list. but if the next 50 years aren't going to be filled with long nights on porches, looking at the stars, wondering and pondering, then that wouldn't be any life at all.

i consider the idea often of "getting there" or "figuring it out." i don't know if this is from my culture or from me. i've grown up knowing that you "should" be able to describe yourself to someone in a few quick sentences. my name is _______. i live _______. i work at _________. and then you're good. and according to all of the teachers and counselors asking me what i wanted to be when i grow up, those answers are "supposed" to stay the same forever. but i don't want to be able to sum up my life in 3 sentences. i don't even think that i want all of those answers to be permanent or what i define my life by. yet still i try to shove my life into the proverbial box i'm trying so hard to free myself from. i find myself attempting to tie the bow on top at the same time that i'm trying with everything in me to break down the walls. it's hard to feel like you have more questions than answers; more unknown than known. but it also means that you are growing and seeking and learning; rather than just settling and existing within what you already know.

the trick for me seems to come in finding contentment in uncertainty, and certainty in having absolutely no idea. tomorrow brings questions that i don't have the answers to. but i know that i am not walking into them alone and the answers will come when they're supposed to. even if those answers come in the form of more questions.

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