confidently wandering

Freedom

2012-01-13T08:09:00.001-07:00

I look around at the appliances in the room. I wonder about the people that made them. The hours they worked for the amount they got paid. About their faces, who they are, their families.

I think about my friends just a few miles away in Mexico. I think about Gloria every night when I lay down to sleep in my comfortable bed, in my heated home, exhausted from a hard days work. I think about Gloria as she is standing at the factory working through the night as I lay my head down. I think about her standing outside and waiting for the bus in the cold. And I think about her exhausting 12 hr day of assembling pieces in a factory to make almost nothing as I lament over mine of doing things I love with my friends and getting the privilege of using my life to bring God glory.

I think about freedom, and college and being asked when I was 7 what I wanted to be when I grew up. I think about applying for the Air Force Academy at 18 and the heaps of college applications that came to my house. I think about the decisions I've made, the freedoms I've had and what's been handed to me. Like my entire education because I made good grades and knew how to hit a tennis ball. Because of that, I was granted the freedoms to be asked and to answer, "what do you want to do when you grow up?" It gives me the freedom to ask that same question now.

I think about this strange universe that we live in, different than all the other worlds around us. As though we are our own planet and our only example is ourselves, which can be a deadly one. And I think of how we use these freedoms we've been given. The freedom of education, of asking "what" you want to do, the freedom of options and hope and possibility. And then I look outside. I see our fancy cars and our houses. I see my own. And I see our streets filled with us driving to and fro around our little bubble until we have no where left to go.

And that's it. All this freedom. All this possibility. We have no idea what we hold in our hands because we have never known anything less. We have no idea what our lives could do if we looked around us; outside of us. I have no idea.

value of a life

2012-01-05T00:00:00.002-07:00

tonight i watched a man lay in the street bleeding. wheel chair on it's side. medical supplies and beer can strewn about. and i thought about this man's life. i thought about the fact that he is someone's son. maybe he was someone's life. he is a man that was created and formed perfectly and intentionally, with a purpose; with a plan.

maybe it's because of the new year. maybe it's because i've been looking at life and reflecting on where i've been and where i want to be. but all i could think about as i watched him from the rearview was who this man was; who he is. this life. this journey. in so many ways we're all the same. where we've come from. where we're going. there are the forks in the road that change us, that mold us, that shake us, that we never fully recover from. there are the ones that make us want to just forget where we are or what we're doing. so many times there is pain and brokenness that is so hard to carry, it's easier to just lose our way.

i don't know his story, but that man that people walked past and stepped around tonight is another person just like you and me. someone living out the exact same days on this earth as i'm living out mine. his life is of so much value and so much worth. yet he seems to have no idea of all that he was created for, as he throws it all away.

2011: Moments in Time

2011-12-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm beyond grateful for the moments that made up my year

and the people that make up my life. Thanks for an amazing

2011!

Long Expected Jesus

2011-12-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

Something's missing this Christmas.

We celebrate Christmas tomorrow and it doesn't "feel" like Christmas yet. Something's missing and I can't put my finger on it.I did all the things I normally do to celebrate the holiday. We cut down a tree, decorated, did our annual Christmas festivities, and then I came home to GA a week before Christmas to celebrate with my family. But something's missing.I thought about the things that make it feel like Christmas to me. Usually all of these annual events, coupled with a few airings of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and then sitting with my family surrounded by lights from the tree while watching Elf pretty much does it. Especially now that I live far away, being together with my family during this time is what Christmas is to me.But still, something is missing.

I got lost this year; lost somewhere between the traditions and busyness that seem to make up the Christmas season. I've had my fill of stores and consumerism in the past week. That didn't make it feel like Christmas either. And despite the fact that I'm more amazed than I used to be by the idea that there is a day that people give you all kinds of gifts, (something about working with families living in extreme poverty has tweaked my excitement from a sense of Christmas entitlement to an extremely humbling feeling of gratefulness) alas, Christmas is in the morning and still something is missing.

As I drove to the store this morning and listened to the Christmas song I can't seem to turn off, I think I finally figured it out. The lyrics say, "Come thou long expected Jesus." As I drove I thought about what makes me feel like it's Christmastime. Although I know the reason we celebrate this holiday, what makes it "feel" like Christmas to me are movies and cookies and hot cider and cheese and crackers and my family. Traditions make me feel like it's Christmas.

Christmas in our culture, even with all of our crazy traditions of fat men in suits and elves and snowmen has one resounding theme; the excitement of awaiting something. It's what we are awaiting that we've gotten mixed up. All I've known of Christmas is what I grew up feeling as a child. There was this sense of overwhelming expectation for gifts, excitement for something waited for, something unknown, something I'm longing to have. As an adult, I'm trying to understand what Christmas is to me now.

Obviously, I've never known a day on this Earth prior to Jesus' birth, so the story that we read of a savior being born has truly never been more to me than that; a well known story. A tradition. But tonight I tried to imagine what it was like in the day of Jesus' birth to understand the true meaning of Christmas. What the people were awaiting in that time was so much more than a gift under the Christmas tree, they were awaiting a savior to be born that would save their lives. Truly, the greatest gift they've ever received; the greatest gift we've ever received.

The lyrics of the song I can't turn off say this,
"Come, thou long expected Jesus, born to set thy people free; from our fears and sins release us, let us find our rest in thee. Israel's strength and consolation, hope of all the earth thou art; dear desire of every nation, joy of every longing heart. "

This is what the people were desperately awaiting; hope and freedom in the form of a savior. The joy of every longing heart. They were awaiting the answer. And that is what came this day that we celebrate. The same savior that they longed to be born, is the one that we celebrate today. As I see the stars in the sky and wonder about the wise men following them, this story has come to life, and all of a sudden, I feel like I fully understand. My lack of feeling the joy of Christmas is replaced with the giddy excitement not of my 4 yr old self when Santa brought my scooter, but of my 30 yr old self so excited to celebrate the birth of a saving King. There is a reason that the gifts and traditions don't feel like Christmas, because they aren't, but rather done in celebration and worship of my king.

This year may you find and know the same excitement of long expected joy, hope and salvation as those in the stories we read. "Come though long expected Jesus!"
For the first time I understand that THIS is Christmas.

CNN Heroes- rebroadcast Christmas Eve & Christmas Day

2011-12-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

In case you missed our 2 minutes of fame!!

Merry Christmas

2011-12-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

Christmas Newsletter

CNN Young Wonders

2011-12-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

For seven years Justin Churchman has been building homes with Casas por Cristo. At the age of 13 he earned his Eagle Scout Award by organizing his own team to build a home. His enthusiasm for building homes in Juárez didn't stop there. As a young man, his goal was to complete his 18th home by his 18th birthday, and he did just that. It has been remarkable to watch a young local El Pasoan take ownership of such a large undertaking and lead others to serve where so many refuse to go.

This Sunday he is being honored for his work with Casas por Cristo over the years. In collaboration with CNN Heroes, he along with five other recipients have been awarded the title of Young Wonders. Because of Justin's work, a positive spotlight will be shown in an area where only negative media has come from for so long. CNN sent a crew out to Juárez, México to capture a Casas por Cristo build and the lives of the families living there.

Although we know that this Young Wonders piece will only be a small part of the CNN Heroes program this Sunday, we hope and pray that it will bring, if only for a moment, a voice to the voiceless and a positive national spotlight on a city that continues to thrive throughout so much adversity.

It was an honor and a privilege to stand in the dirt streets of Juárez, México with CNN; to have them interview Modesta (a mother that makes bread in a small Casas home) and ask her about her life and listen to her story. Modesta will never see this story aired, but we pray that the right people will. We hope that this will open the eyes of people around the world to those living in poverty right across the United States border. We pray that it will encourage others to come and serve the countless families just like Modesta's. These are the people that we love and serve daily. We want the world to know them too.

Invincible

2011-12-03T11:05:00.001-07:00

For a year I’ve been trying to figure out what 30 was or is. Something changed. I just haven’t been able to put myfinger on it.

I keep describing it as the year when I learned that Iwasn’t invincible. But that isn’ta good description. At no point inlife have I thought that I was a superhero or even resembled one. This word has just been the only one toencompass what I was feeling. Finally this morning I feel like I have more.

See, I live in a dream world. I do. But Ilike it here. It’s beautiful. I grew up believing that I could goanywhere, do anything, and be anything. The world is my oyster, I just have to figure outhow to make it happen. Sure therehave been setbacks in life. Therehave been forks in the road that have all but killed this grandeur within me. I think those are the moments when people stop,when they give up. The world isn’t whatthey were told as a child and they begin to live in the reality of what it is. It becomes a place where you simply survive. I’ve been there too. But I’ve learned tofight for my joy, even when it no longer comes on it’s own. I’d love to take credit for this butit’s not me. It’s so far beyond meand all that I am and all that I’m not. It’s what carries me and sustains me when I have nothing left and surrenderthis life on my knees. It’s whatfights when I give up the fight. I’ve almost let it go, stopped seeking, stopped fighting, butwithout it, I am nothing. And Ithink that’s where a lot of people get lost, and make their home.

Despite those forks in the road, for the most part, my 30 years have allowed meto stay in this dream bubble that I carry around. I’ve never had any health problems. I’ve never even been hurt. I’ve jumped from airplanes,snowboarded mtns, played sports at a collegiate level, scuba dived beautiful reefs, climbed world renowned rocks, surfed Australianoceans, paddled rivers dividing countries and swam beneath foreign waterfalls. My body has always worked with me and together we can doanything. And despite someunreconciled random photographs that keep popping up from college, I’ve neverneeded to do much to keep myself in shape. My lifestyle just goes along with who I am. I know that I can do anything that I set my mind to. If I don't know howhow then I'll figure it out. I’ve taken the opportunities and adventures placed before me and ventured far beyond where life is safe or comfortable. I see this world as a place to explore andlearn and grow.

Then 30 happened. I think I keep describing this year as "realizing that I’m not invincible"because I can feel outside factors trying to burst this bubble that I live inand showing me the realities of this life that I haven't been shown yet. Myknees are starting to crack like I’m made of brittle now and all of a sudden being a statetrack superstar as a kid is leaving me with a lifetime supply of knee cream. I swear Igained 3 lbs the day I turned 30 and I’m pretty sure that nachos can no longerbe my favorite food. Besides my body beginning to reflect my age for the first time in my life, I also see theworld trying to steal something from me that I think a part of me is startingto give away.

I haven’tgotten married and I don't have kids. That’s not the path that my life has taken. And where I would usually spend my days dreamingof the non-profit I am going to create to save the world or the fascinating landsthat I have yet to see, I'm 30 and those things haven't happened yet. And all of a sudden I'm beginning to wonder if I missedmy chance. Although life doesn’tlook that much different to me now than it did at 25, I think even within my dream world,a part of me stopped dreaming and started to settle in. I don’t think there is a fiber in mybeing that knows what “settle in” means, but somehow I feel it happening. Something, somewhere along the way silently told me that you make the bigchanges in the world and become somebody in your 20’s and in your 30’s you quitasking yourself what you want to be when you grow up and you just live within it.

It’s taken me 11 months to put my finger on this; to figureout what this suffocating feeling is that I've carried around since the day I turned 30. And now here I am this morningwith really sore muscles from a 15 min run that I got smoked on and thinking about how I need to lose a few pounds.

I letmyself settle in to life before I knew what was happening. I let life happen instead of makinglife happen. I think it becomeseasier and easier for this to happen as we get older. This is a new phenomenon to me, because I still wake up everyday asking myself how I can make today the best day of my life.

I’m not okay with just letting life happen anymore. I stepped into a new phase of life thisyear. It’s not just a number. It feels different. With one month before I turn 31, I’mgrateful to put some words to this overwhelming weight that I’ve beencarrying around. I’m ready toreplace it with new dreams, new adventures, more movement and creativity. I’m not near done yet. I’mjust done settling in. I know now that I'll have to fight harder to dream as the world I live in gets older with me. But I also know that I have a wildly beautiful life yet to live and see.

Entitled

2011-11-08T23:40:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing how spoiled i am. That's the reality of it. I'm spoiled.

There are some things that i consider basics in life and i feel jipped when they don't happen. I'm learning more and more that my "basics" are someone elses privileges. What many thank God for, i have come to expect. Then i feel sorry for myself when those things are not met.

My truck got broken into last night. Outside of the busted casing off of my steering column nothing was stolen out of it and for whatever reason they weren't successful. I still have a truck. But somewhere in thanking God for what i have, there is still a feeling of frustration because this "shouldn't have happened."

Last week the door handle broke off the inside of my truck. I roll my window down now to open my door from the outside. We laugh about it. But i get frustrated at the 3 extra seconds it takes now for this "huge inconvenience."

I haven't had groceries in my house for about a week. I'm scrounging around and have almost cleared out the random canned goods that sit in the back of my cabinet. It doesn't matter that the reason i don't have groceries is because i haven't made time to go to the store, it still feels depressing that there is no food to eat.

And right now my heat is broken. It's the first night that it will drop below freezing here and although i know i have a bed with an electric blanket on it that's been warming it up for hours, the gloves, and jacket i'm wearing in my house seem to be out of place.

It seems like God is showing me lately how blessed i really am, by momentarily being without those "basic" things. And as much as I'm realizing my own short comings and expectations in life, it hasn't come without gratitude and a renewed sense of blessing.
Even as i sit here and type, my heat has just been fixed, i have a fridge full of groceries and my truck is parked outside.

My lack thereof is momentary whereas for so many others, this is the world they know. Walls don't block the wind and heat is not an option. Empty cupboards are not due to laziness and owning a vehicle is a farfetched dream.

So tonight although i'm spoiled, i'm also grateful.
Far more grateful than i would have been otherwise for a warm home, a fridge full of food and a truck to drive.

Thank you God for your blessings that are poured out upon us. Thank you for helping me learn to say the same when I am in need. Please provide for those that are cold and hungry tonight.

BE

2011-11-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

Flight and Faith

2011-10-18T18:42:00.002-06:00

I have no fear when I fly.
None.

It doesn't make any sense that I would have no fear at all in this.

I'm thousands of feet above the ground flying through the sky, but I'm not scared at all.
It's because I trust the plane. I trust that we'll stay in the sky.

Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.
I've been flying my entire life. It's comfortable to me.

I have faith that the plane will stay in the sky to the point that i don't even think twice about it.

I don't question it at all, because it's proven itself to me so many times before.

I thought about faith and life; what I fear and what I don't even think twice about.
I want to have the same unquestionable faith in God for the things that I don't understand, as I have in this plane when I fly.

I want to have faith that makes absolutely no sense at all why I would trust in it; yet I do.

I know that comes in the same way that my faith in flying has come.

By putting my life in the hands of the pilot and the plane and soaring through the clouds to see that I won't come crashing to the ground.

Beauty for Ashes

2011-10-16T19:55:00.000-06:00

October 17th rolls around every year. And every year on this day, I have no idea what to do. At some point tomorrow I will find myself lost within my thoughts, within my memories and I will wipe away my tears. And at some point those tears will turn to anger and I will sit and stare. I know one day that October Saturday morning won't seem like just yesterday. But it's only been 3 years, and right now it still feels like it happened today.

I'll never forget the phone call that came that morning. I didn't answer it on purpose. I knew it couldn't be good. I knew his sister wouldn't be calling me for no reason and I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone. And when I listened to her voicemail and heard the tone in her voice it confirmed what I already knew. Mark was dead. It took everything in me to call her back that day. I remember sitting in my apartment alone, my hand shaking, trying to get it together enough to find out the details of the inevitable.

Time stops in moments like that. I don't know where it goes. But it slows down, and the whole world revolves slower on it's axis. That Saturday was no different.

You know when someone in your life is battling drugs; when you have sat beside them in rehab, when you have watched them break out in cold sweats and make up reasons why they have to go, that the phone call will come. There is always a phone call. It is either them on the other end asking for help, or someone else calling to say it's too late; but there is always a phone call.

I'll never look at the Grand Canyon the same. I'll never look down on that place without knowing that my friend's remains from this life are buried below. His ashes poured from a helicopter over the canyon stole the hopeless wonder of that place from years before.

At the same time, I'm reminded that God is there, that He is present, as His beauty engulfs all that is below. You can't help but be hopeful even in despair in a place like this; hopeful that God is so much bigger than this life, and this death. There is hope to be found in the broken. Beauty to come from ashes. I watched his ashes pour out over that beautiful place. And as the hot tears rolled down my face and broke the coldness of that day, life was real, and beautiful and broken and alive and dead all in one moment in time.

I won't let the place of his burial steal the beauty and wonder that always amazed and captivated him there. I won't let it steal the beauty that God created. And I won't let his life, lost far too quickly, be in vain.

I won't let his death not change my entire life left on this earth. I refuse to lose my life, because I got lost along the way. October 17th always reminds me of so much. A thousand thoughts racing through my mind. But now, in this moment, I am reminded of God's promise sent out in Isaiah, "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61:3

On this day especially, I know that these are the promises in which I have to choose to dwell. So tomorrow, I will find myself lost in the hope of possibility from this life and the promises in Him along the way.

Well Done, My Good and Faithful Servant

2011-08-16T16:08:00.000-06:00

Shine On

2011-08-16T12:20:00.002-06:00

I've shared my friend, Christie Devitt's story and battle with breast cancer on here many times. Yesterday morning, at 33 years old, Christie went home to be with her creator. As I look back at her fight, and the way that she lived her life these last 4 years, it seems to me that she lived it exactly as we are supposed to. She took the unbelievable path that was placed before her at 29 years old, and became the only woman in her family to battle breast cancer. Over these past four years, she has fought and prayed, and cried and questioned and praised her God the whole way. All the while, continuing to live her life with her family and husband and children to the fullest, for all the days she was given on this Earth. Her story of faith has inspired so many, it has encouraged and changed countless lives for eternity. I sit here with tears in my eyes writing about this strong woman that I only had the opportunity to meet in person one time. Yet her life and her story and her legacy will remain and stand as a testament to me forever. She took what was handed her, and praised God through every breath and every day. She lived out the questions, never understanding, but trusting in His purpose alone and above all else.

We never think that our lives will last only for a moment. We don't expect to begin things that we may never accomplish or understand why God would have it this way. But through Christie's life, I believe she lived out the perfect example of what we are called to do. Trust. Despite the questions, without understanding, yet praising Him all the way. She took what she was given, and the days that she had, and even the crazy fork in the road that would cut all of those days short, and she trusted God with her life while pointing everyone around her back to Him every day.

Her fight is over. She is finally sitting next to her father. But she leaves behind a family and a husband and a little boy and girl that will be raised without their mom. Will you pray for the Devitt family, as they continue to carry on here everyday? Pray for them as they seek to find the same strength and quiet understanding in the heartache and questions as Christie found each day. I pray that her story continues to inspire and change lives for eternity.

(read more about Christie's story here.)

In her own words...

We choose to share our “healing journey” so that others may see God’s glory in this situation. Our prayer is that others will draw closer to Him through our journey. Since the night I was diagnosed, I have prayed that God would allow our family to be His light. The passage in Matthew 5 best describes why we so openly share our lives and give God all the glory each step of the way.
“You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand- SHINE! Keep open house, be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” –Matthew 5:14-16 (The Message)

Both Sides of the Fence

2011-07-31T00:04:00.000-06:00

Here's a video from my week in Mexico building on the border fence. All week, I still couldn't wrap my mind around the unbelievable contrast between two completely different worlds and the difference that one chain link fence makes.

lost

2011-07-17T18:57:00.000-06:00

i am lost. i am unashamedly, un-apologetically, unbelievably lost. i have never been here before. i have grappled with this question time and time again but i have never been in this place before. i am lost somewhere between border fences, families living in poverty, teams from the US coming on mission trips to help, and my own life and world in which i live. i am building a home for a family in Juarez this week that lives RIGHT on the fence between the US and Mexico. i drove to the fence today to see if i could find the house from the US side. i followed the fence as far as i could and then i drove past trailers and train tracks until the road opened up into a clearing that ran directly into Mexico and the border fence. and then i sat there. and i stared. i stared at where i would be tomorrow morning on the other side of that fence. i stared at the existing cardboard and pallet bathroom that the family was in the process of tearing down so that we can build them a home in the morning. and then i walked up to the fence and i talked to Brenda, and Juan, and Jonathan and Edgar and Karen. i stood there on one side of a chain link fence and they stood on the other.

they are my age, Brenda and her husband Alejandro. yet there we stood, separated by less than an inch think barrier that changes everything. this all felt very odd and so strange. my friend Steve met me near the site and we both stood there; staring. we have both lived on the border for years. we have both served in different countries and led mission trips building homes for families in different parts of Mexico. we have both struggled with having our lives stretched across borders and cultures and the lines that separate us all. and there we found ourselves again today.

he is a pastor. i am a missionary. yet still, there is this complete loss. i feel like there's something i'm supposed to figure out. like there's some answer that we're supposed to get to. some way to reconcile that this fence is the difference between the car that i sit in and the dirt they stand on. it is the difference between my education and future and their lack of opportunities. it is the difference between choosing to live on this border and having no other choice. it is the difference between walking in my own home and having one built for me. it is the difference between everything.

so here i sit on this border. feeling like i'm supposed to do something, or say something, or reconcile something. but the reality is, all i am is torn and lost. maybe that's all i'm supposed to be. maybe i'm just supposed to care. maybe i'm just supposed to not be able to go on with the rest of my day oblivious to the great needs in this world and those that are hurting. maybe i'm just supposed to be broken, and know that we are to love one another, and serve one another as Jesus would. maybe i am just supposed to be. to be here. to be willing. to sit on this fence and wrestle through different languages, and poverty and affluence and borders that separate our worlds. maybe i'm just supposed to share this struggle with you. Steve said to me, "i expect a blog from this." so here i am, at a loss for answers and not even sure that i know the questions. sitting here, staring, and asking you to care with me. maybe that's all that i'll be able to reconcile today.

in a minute i will leave these words behind, rinse the dirt off of my flip flops and walk into a church and talk with this mission team that is here to serve. and in the morning we will stand on the other side of that fence. we will cross this border and join Brenda and her family. we will spend the week with them and build their home together. and inevitably, when i go back to this place on the US side of the fence it will look different. there will be a home where there was a shack today. and the next time i talk to Brenda and her family, we will be friends chatting with one another, rather than strangers, standing on opposite sides of a fence, as the silence says everything that we're not about our very different lives.

Planking For a Cause

2011-07-15T17:31:00.000-06:00

And... This is My Life. Hope it brings some joy to your day.

Facing Your Fears to Live Your Dreams

2011-07-15T17:21:00.000-06:00

This is from Donald Miller's blog. I loved it and wanted to share...

We don’t normally face our fears willingly. Usually, God has to woo us into the desert. We are either chasing love or some other desire, and we find ourselves in the midst of a situation in which we have very little control. And when we lose control, we go into a mild form of trauma. But the good news is the greatest stories are lived in the desert. The great lives are lived in the places we most fear. If we fear being rejected, the great story has us standing at the door with flowers in our hands, if we fear losing love, the great stories have us letting that person go rather than clinging to them. If we fear taking a chance on a dream, the great stories have us quitting our jobs.

My friend Jeremy Cowart moved from Nashville to LA recently but decided to tell a better story with his move. Rather than packing up the family and making a long, boring drive, he called Jamie Tworkowski from To Write Love on her Arms and made a Fears Vs Dreams tour out of the move. They’d pull the moving van into a town, set up a table, and ask people to write down their fears and dreams on a piece of paper. The result was magical. Andy Davis joined in for a while and soon enough it was a mini-caravan of folks who were no longer interested in running from their fears, but willing to face them in order to live a better story.

So, what is your greatest fear? And don’t you know, the life you want involves taking that huge risk. It’s scary I know, because the truth is it might end in tragedy. But then again, half of Shakespeare’s plays are tragedies, and nobody thinks of him as a fool. He was brilliant.

May half your stories be tragedies too. And may the other half be comedies that work out great. And may they all be beautiful.

"The greatest stories are lived in the desert. The great lives are lived in the places we most fear."

I am living out my greatest fear in the desert.

What is your greatest fear?

What is your biggest dream?

dirt streets and dreams

2011-07-07T10:45:00.000-06:00

i don't know how this became my life. i really have no idea how it happened. it's been a whirlwind of questions and dreams and prayers for years. i have no idea how my "normal" morning became trying desperately to translate an illiterate text message in spanish and fill the gap between a hurting woman in Juárez and a group from the states that became a part of her life years ago. i don't know how i became the person to call when someone wants to create a new program in a foreign country and they reach out to me for help. i don't know why i get awakened with texts in another language in the middle of the night or find myself on a normal basis answering a call that turns into broken Spanish gibberish. i just don't know. yet here i am. still. looking around and staring. still.

these dusty streets are such a far cry from all that i know. it has never become normal. never. the people have become like family, but i think that i will always feel displaced. like a fish out of water. it makes sense. this is not what i grew up knowing. this is not the air that i breathed. and it is so contrary to every part of my soul and my longings that i would be more surprised if i wasn't still spinning; still trying to figure out how not to be lost.

some days just go by in the normalcy that this routine has become. but some days create those moments where i sit and stare and continue to be surprised by this life that has become mine. this is one of those days. and today these dusty roads look more foreign to me than anything i have ever known.

blessed

2011-07-05T22:41:00.000-06:00

i have no idea how much i have. i've never had a clue. i hung out with a friend tonight. he moved here from Michigan and intentionally moved into the worst part of town so that he could truly live in community with those around him. i sat with him tonight talking at his home right on the edge of the US/MX border. we sat in his house with no air conditioning and wiped the sweat from our faces. his roommate went to sleep and woke up soaked. the temperatures hit 100 degrees or more here during the day and i literally don't have a clue how they are living like this. they have a pet ferret and at some point i was pretty sure that it rolled over to die.

something about this felt different. different than standing in homes in Mexico where it is "supposed" to be hot and dirty. something about this hit closer to home. i don't know if it's the disconnect of the fact that Mexico is an entirely different country and different culture than my own, but tonight something hit home in my soul.

i can't believe how much i have. i can't believe the opportunities i have. i am rich because i have a car. i am rich because i have food on the table at every meal. i am loaded because i get in my truck and i turn on my ipod and the air conditioning. i got a car when i turned 16. although it was unbelievably generous of my parents, deep down i thought that more or less, it was a rite of passage. sure it was a 1989 Honda Accord with permanently raised pop up lights that i had to share with my twin sister, but nonetheless, i got a car. somehow in this world that i am only slightly beginning to understand, this is unfathomable.

health care, education, even the fact that my whole life i have been asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" are privileges that i had no idea were such gifts. i am lost in a sea of houses and electronics and things handed to me on silver platters. i am surrounded by travel magazines and talk of vacations and discontentment and the desire for more. yet still, i am living a life that looks to most like an unbelievable sacrifice; raising my own support and living between two worlds here on the border.

somehow sweating at my friend's house tonight filled in the gap that still exists between my life and the lives of those living in poverty in Mexico. so tonight, if you are sitting in air conditioning, or own a car, or had dinner, stop for a moment and say a prayer of thanks for all that you have been given. then say a prayer for the majority of the world that live lives that you and i will more than likely never truly understand. all that we have aren't promises, but gifts that we take for granted every moment.

Happy 4th of July!!

2011-07-05T08:07:00.000-06:00

Videoing from Hueco Tanks

2011-07-04T18:51:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJtF3mSj5CM

sometimes worship looks like this

2011-07-02T10:14:00.001-06:00

i've been thinking about building a lot lately. i've been thinking about how i have done a job for 8 years that in one hand is the last thing in the world i want to do and on the other i find such fulfillment through. the other day i said, "i hate building." and then i was challenged, "do you really?" i've been thinking about it ever since. see the thing is, if you know anything about my story or why i'm here, you'll know that i didn't come here because i fell in love with the Mexican people, or love building homes, or even have a strong calling and desire to serve in Mexico. I fell in love with Jesus and this is where He called me. i don't love the process of building. it seems to either be 100 degrees or 30 or the wind is roaring 40 miles an hour creating a sand storm. there is this one period of time somewhere between October and November that it is perfect. still, i don't love building. but i love the end result. i love what we get to do. i love knowing that a family's life has been changed because they have seen God's love tangibly poured out for them. i love the moments when i am sitting in a home in Juarez sharing a meal with a family and learning about their life. there are moments that are so hard, that are such a sacrifice, and there are moments when i wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world. in 8 years i still can't wrap my mind around this concept. i think about it a lot more now; what parts i actually love and which parts are such a sacrifice. the reality is, both are worship. both are an outpouring of myself and my love to serve a God that has called me to serve Him here; all else aside. there is a song that says, "this is no sacrifice. here's my life."

here's my life...

Home

2011-06-10T19:49:00.001-06:00

We all want someone or something to be "home." We want someone that we share our lives with. I think it's built into us. We have this innate desire to belong; to be a part of something.

I want someone to share my pictures and my thoughts with; to tell when I'm having the time of my life or when I'm dying inside. This is why social networking sites have taken off. We bare our souls for the world to see in hopes that someone is listening. In a way this makes us feel like we belong even when we have no one we can call. However, I feel it speaks more of our desperate desire for connection. We want more than a comment on a picture from someone glancing at their phone. We need real connection; the kind where you are reminded that you're not alone in this world. It's obvious that the whole world is screaming out. We want someone to know, anyone to care, even if it's our best friend from 5th grade, it's better than no one at all.

Wonder and Awe

2011-06-05T16:18:00.000-06:00

How is it that we don't feel more alive? I am on an airplane right now flying through the clouds, yet we are all sitting here silently waiting for this plane to land. We are in between where we've come from and where we are going. We are waiting to arrive at our final destination. It seems however, that we are missing the wonder and awe of the journey.

Have we become so numb to splendor? Are we so dulled by normalcy that we no longer see the beauty around us? Do we still revel in the sound of child's laughter or taste every bite of an amazing meal? Do we miss the moments that we are surrounded by friends and family as the voices of those we love fill the room? Do we recognize the gift of worshiping with others and singing praises to a risen Savior?

I think we are numb. We have dulled not only the pain but the joy. But I have set off to find it again. To be wide eyed like a child in awe of a blooming flower or question where the sun disappears to at night. We are surrounded by wonder and splendor. It is engulfing us. Yet we are so busy looking ahead, we are missing that we're soaring through the clouds.

The Journey Continues...

2011-06-02T10:12:00.000-06:00

At 33 years old, my friend Christie Devitt has found out that the breast cancer she beat over 2 years ago has returned. Will you read her story, share her message, and pray for her and her family as they begin to fight this battle again? You can follow her journey and story at www.CarePages.com - page name "ChristieDevitt". Please share & ask others to pray! We appreciate your prayers, love, & support.

I never imagined that I would be journaling such horrible news… again… but here I sit, with the heaviest of hearts, pleading for your prayers.

The cancer has come back. After being poked, prodded, scanned, x-rayed, and scanned some more, they have found that the breast cancer has returned in the humerus bone in my right arm. I also have a swollen lymph node near my right clavicle and my surgical oncologist fears this is also cancerous. There is also a shadow on my lungs that we must further look into.I feel we have caught this progression of the disease very quickly. I believe this all started just before Easter, about five weeks ago, when I was experiencing severe shortness of breath. After a chest CT, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. Since then, I’ve been through two rounds of antibiotics, breathing treatments, and an ultrasound, none of which have significantly helped my symptoms of shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, or headaches. Just four short months ago, in January, I had a full body CT that showed absolutely no signs of disease and my tumor marker blood test remained very low. Last week when I saw Dr. Shalaby for my routine appointment, my tumor marker blood test had surged from a 15 in January to a 78 in May, well above the “normal” range of 38 or below. The tumor marker surge paired with my symptoms led to my head to toe scans. The day before I saw Dr. Shalaby I noticed that my right shoulder and clavicle was very sore- that is when I discovered the swollen lymph node near my clavicle.

It felt surreal to sit in Dr. Shalaby’s office last Thursday afternoon as he explained to Brent and I that the lesion on my right humerus that appeared in the bone scan and x-ray was cancer. Images of my two beautiful children overshadowed everything he was saying. I do not even have the words to tell you how my heart has been shattered.

My surgical oncologist, Dr. Hyacinthe, has been out of town but we were able to see her today. She feels the lymph node is cancerous and there may possibly be more than one. On Friday, June 3rd, she will remove the lymph node and also put a port back in my left chest, just above the clavicle. I knew I would feel better after seeing her. I explained that I feel that this lymph node is like the root of a horrible, evil vine that is crawling all over my body. It has become extremely painful over the past ten short days- causing my neck to become slightly swollen and pain extends up behind my right ear. It is probably THE WORST feeling I have ever endured… a life-taking disease potentially making its way through my body… this body that has already been through so much to ensure that this horrible disease never returns. Six rounds of chemo, 28 radiation treatments, double mastectomy, reconstruction, more reconstruction, medication induced menopause, shots in my stomach, daily medication, IV treatments for my bones, exercise, prayer. It seems so very unfair.

I have experienced a wide range of emotions over the past week. Fury, brokenness, sadness, hopefulness, fear. I look at Brent, Conner, and Laney and my heart physically hurts. “Hurts” doesn’t even come close to describing this feeling. I think my heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces.

Today though, TODAY, I am finally feeling stronger. God and I have been in constant dialogue for days and He knows I’m one MAD momma! I beg Him to please, please not take me from my family. I beg this every moment of every day. I know what this disease has done to my friends. I cannot bear the thought of leaving my babies. God is revealing things to me and is using others to reveal other things to me. Trust me, I DO NOT HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT! All I know to be true is what His Word says. He used our family’s “Healing Journey” to draw others closer to Him, and I have no doubt He will use our family to do more of His work here on Earth. I’m eagerly awaiting Him to reveal a passage of scripture to us that will carry us through this portion of the journey, just as He did before with Matthew 5:14-16.

Please join us in prayer! You, the Body of Christ, joining together in prayer is a force to be reckoned with!!! Please pass our Care Page information on to other prayer warriors. Our families and friends have already sprung into action… simply amazing… just amazing.
On Friday, I will arrive at Covenant Women’s and Children’s Hospital at 5:30am. As of today, the plan is that Dr. Hyacinthe will remove the swollen lymph node and put a port in to allow easier access for blood draws, IV drugs, and potentially chemo. We have asked that she please send the lymph node for a very quick biopsy to determine if it is cancerous. The tissue will then be sent for further pathology, as we need to know the specific characteristics of the cancer. They have explained to us that regardless of where the cancer has reappeared in my body, we will treat it the same… and a biopsy of any of the potentially cancerous tissues will tell us exactly what characteristics any cancer in my body would have at this point.

From the bottom of my shattered heart, thank you. Thank you for your faithful prayers. Rest assured, God WILL do something amazing. Just wait and see… this is going to be a journey that will further change each of us.
“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is MAKING NEW LIFE, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.” -2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)

Your grateful friends,
Brent, Christie, Conner and Laney

Naked and Bare

2011-05-31T13:54:00.000-06:00

This...

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Inspired this...

What would it look like, sitting there naked with your wounds open for the world to see?
What if they knew?
What if they saw that some wounds were still bleeding; that some haven't healed?
What if they saw just how many scars you have?
What if you had the strength to sit there alone with yourself;
To look at your own scars?
We're not just hiding from the world, we're hiding from ourselves.
We have no idea how scared we really are, how much we're hiding.
We can't find the strength to look and see how many wounds we have ourselves; to be real and honest and have the strength to turn on the lights.
We're terrified of what we'll see.
If we ever find the strength to be honest with ourselves; Honest in our failures and our accomplishments. Honest in who we are and who we've been.
We'll see that it is okay. That there is healing and there is grace and there is love and we are all the same.
Slowly, as we love ourselves more and understand our own self worth and the amazing people that He created us to be, we become less and less afraid of who sees us; of who sees us standing there naked and bare.

As others walk into our lives and see us in our own vulnerability, they are forced to find themselves within their own lives. They are given the strength to look at their own wounds and see their own scars and their own gaping holes that need mending.

As I find the strength to stand before you and reveal my scars, to tell you that I'm not perfect but in that I'm okay, I hope that you will find the strength to do the same.

When we quit putting on a front for the world to see; quit creating a show for others to match up to; we take away the facade that we have it together and we find the freedom to sit in our broken lives together, alive and honest, seeking to become the people we were created to be.

This is Me

2011-05-21T09:31:00.001-06:00

I've done a lot of life inventory lately. I've been thinking about the life I've lived and the lives I could have lived; who I was and who I've become...

I've sat in huts in Fiji alone with families teaching them how to have clean water for the rest of their lives.

I've stood outside of a bamboo house with a woman and her children in Guatemala and promised that we would build them a new home as we prayed together.

I have heard singing from a woman inside her home while I was on the street in Juarez. I found her singing praises to God even after her house had been robbed. We dropped to our knees together to give God praises.

I have shared a meal with families in Ecuador while learning about their culture and their life.

I have cried with a family in Acuna, Mexico as I told them why I gave up my life and friends and family in GA to be with their family building them a home.

I have evacuated teams from floods in foreign countries, I have cried with families that have lost everything, I have watched the sun set over rocks that my father raced across in Australia, I have driven an RV through New Zealand, I have fallen asleep beside a fire under a completely different sky of stars and woken to the sun pouring its rays across the ocean, I have surfed a perfect wave, I have climbed world famous boulders solitary, I have trekked through rain forests and watched volcanos erupt, I have seen my photographs published, I have had tea with Indian families in Fiji, I have cried as my friend's ashes were poured out across the Grand Canyon, I have danced the streets of Rome and sung on gondolas through Venice, I have held my friend's hand as she breathed some of her last breaths, I have jumped from airplanes and fallen through the clouds, I have lived in 3 different countries and spoken 2 different languages. I have stood on nothing but faith, and had no idea about tomorrow. I have watched the ashes of my life scatter around me. I have lived. I have loved. I have risked. I have won. I have lost everything. I have found everything. I have been found.

Strength

2011-05-20T16:13:00.001-06:00

Jax makes me strong. He reminds me to fight past what I can't control and trust in what i can. At 3 years old with both arms covered in pumps and sensors to control his diabetes, he pokes himself and does everything he has to, to live. But he doesn't let it slow him down, he doesn't let it stop him. He just slows long enough to poke himself and check his blood sugar, then keeps going right on with his life.

One Second

2011-04-28T17:41:00.000-06:00

It only takes about a second. It takes about one second for it all to set back in. For the normalcy of hotels and tile floors and huge beds not to seem weird anymore. To fall back into "normal" American life because it is familiar and it is what I know. But for a moment, I remember. For a moment I see this huge water fountain in a hotel lobby and think about kids in Africa that drink dirty water from puddles. For a moment I think about my friends in Ecuador that were in awe of a Pizza Hut and how nice the bathroom was. For a moment I'd be embarrassed for them to see me here. It lasts for a moment.

I don't ever want to live a life where this is normal again; where I forget how much I have. But then again, I do. Everything in me wants to have these luxuries and fall into them and forget that a whole other world exists. Life has changed me though. The blinders have been taken off and I don't get to put them back on. There's a part of me that couldn't be more grateful.

Even as I sit here and stare out this window from a hotel in Dallas, Texas my phone rings. It's a 52 (656) number. It's from Juarez, Mexico. It's my friend Margarita that tells me all the time that I am her best friend. She is sitting in her home in Juarez right now. I don't answer. I just stare. The stark contrast of our lives in this moment hits me hard. I'm sitting in a chair at the top of a hotel staring at the Dallas skyline, thinking about where she's sitting as she's calling me now.

These families have changed me. They are not just people that I met along the way, they have become a part of my life, a part of me. So now here i sit, with my feet between two worlds, trying to put words to all that i feel.

Pray

2011-04-25T22:47:00.000-06:00

by: Kendall Payne

I will pray for you now, for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I could not ask for more than what you've already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me
May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall, come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater every stride
May your company be of humble insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride
What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the One who made us
And see Him smile when life is through
May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they'd be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see
May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But may you learn to trust the plan He has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true
I have prayed for you now all my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on I'll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh, that you would pray for me

Behind the Scenes

2011-04-21T15:19:00.001-06:00

So the newest member to Casas is Kurt. He's the man behind our website and video. Apparently he thinks it's his responsibility to video us too. He made this update for his friends and family. We decided to hijack it. The kid's out of his mind. And clearly, there's not that much to do in El Paso! The madness starts about 2 min in.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

2011-03-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

One of the most life changing books I've ever read...

What story are you telling? from Rhetorik Creative on Vimeo.

Juarez, Mexico

2011-03-03T11:33:00.001-07:00

11 years ago this city changed my life forever...
So blessed that the family in this video feels like my own.

World Vision Report - Week of February 26, 2011 - Casas por Cristo

2011-03-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

So blessed to be a part of this.

World Vision Report - Week of February 26, 2011 - Casas por Cristo

about me

2011-02-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes i need to be reminded of who i am.
outside of the influence of the world around me.
away from the circumstances of life and the weight that the days tend to bring our way.
tonight i needed to be reminded of who i am.
i didn't realize that i needed that tonight but God has a way of showing us things when we aren't looking for them.
i looked at my phone and there it was.
for some reason the "about me" on my facebook page was pulled up and it's words filled my screen.
my words.
in case i had forgotten.
there it was to remind me.

About Me:

"lead a life worthy of your calling"

i’m 30 years old and live in el paso texas; which I’m convinced is possibly one of the hardest places in the US to live. i love to travel, and play outside, to take pictures and laugh. i know that I’m 30 but i still find that hard to believe. i have a huge passion to make this world a better place and make sure that i made a difference while i was here. i love Jesus and He’s what guides my path. i grew up in GA somewhere between a cow pasture, Atlanta, and the hood. everything that i’ve done and have been through has affected me, molded me, and continuously changes me into who i am each day. some days i’m a hippie, others straight from the dirty dirty, but always brittany- I hope. i’m not convinced that the world revolves around America or that we have it all figured out like we think we do, but i’m so grateful to be born and to live in this great country. i don’t exactly carry the southern belief that we all have to be married and have 3 children by the time we’re 20 or else we’re behind and missing something in this life. i think the “American dream” is a suggestion, and a good one at that, but not necessarily for me. i have this unquenchable desire to see and do and experience this world and see what else is out there; what others see, what they believe, what they do. i also have this burning in me to help others. however there’s a piece of me that isn’t okay just building someone a house, or a well, or doing some good deed, if i am not sharing Christ with them also; and doing it all because this is what He taught us to do. otherwise i’m just giving them something that is going to help them now, for a couple years, not for eternity. it’s like giving someone a fish but never teaching them how. i know that we’re called to love EVERYONE, and to walk through this world together, so that we’re not trying to do it all on our own. we’re to give what we have and accept what we don’t. i feel like this is what it’s all about. i just can’t wrap my mind around the idea that we were all created and this world exists just to get a good job, make a certain amount of money, take pretty pictures around the Christmas tree and say that’s what it was all about a lifetime later. there’s just so much more. that being said, i also believe with everything in me, that every teacher, mother, father, mechanic, babysitter, lawyer, custodian, doctor or whatever else someone’s calling may be, is giving back in their own way, following their own path that they are called to; just as I am to mine. i’m just finding my way as i go, trying to embrace what each new moment brings and growing from every step that i take. most of all i’m learning to enjoy where i am, on the way to where i am going.

"I have a heart for you"

2011-02-15T10:46:00.000-07:00

I think this post is amazing...
"no little girl ever dreamt of growing up to be a crack whore..."

They Change Me

2011-02-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

Pictures of families in Mexico that I've met along the way. I'm so grateful that their lives have intertwined with mine. I am blessed to become a part of their story. They make me better.
They Change Me...

Freezing in Juarez

2011-02-04T16:08:00.000-07:00

What started as a thought became a movement. What we have witnessed happen over the past two days has become an act of God's love springing into action. We've watched people across the border and the US come together to help those freezing in a time of need. We got hit like the rest of the country this week with a snow storm and cold front like nothing this border ever sees. A combination of below zero wind chill temperatures and thousands of families living in poverty in shacks and pallet houses is not only a situation that is heartbreaking, it has the potential to be deadly.

We started with a prayer while searching for answers on how to respond to the 8 degree night that was about to hit the border. We sent out a call to action and asked for help with donations to buy provisions for families in need. In 2 hours over $2000 poured in and we witnessed God moving. We split up across El Paso buying socks, blankets, jackets, scarves and hats. The snow and cold came in over night and pounded the border and we woke up to snowy and icy roads and a city on lock down. Our hearts broke as we began to think that due to the road conditions, all of the supplies purchased would remain sitting in our office while families froze. We decided to take on the icy roads and as a team we crossed the border to take these families the help that they needed. We split up across two different parts of Juarez and with the assistance of the local pastors, we set out with these provisions to give to the families in need and let them know that they are loved not forgotten.

What we witnessed across the border was devastating. We saw families huddled in their pallet and cardboard homes under blankets trying to stay warm. People were outfitted in sweatshirts and clothing inadequate for the bone chilling temperatures upon us. With windburned faces it became impossible to tell if their eyes were filled with tears or watering from the cold and wind. The temperature dropped lower last night than we expected. It plummeted to 1 degree rather than 8 and the wind chill was -15. We know that these nights have been terrible for so many but we pray that these provisions made a difference.

Through this we have seen God move and our own faith has been strengthened. We are grateful to be surrounded by people who can't stand to sit still and do nothing while other's hurt around them. In the past two days we have witnessed a community of churches, supporters, friends and family from across the country rise up and do more than just stand by and watch. You were right there with us giving out these blankets which became a tangible expression of God's love. Your donations allowed us to be the hands and feet of Christ when the need was greatest. Thank you for bringing hope to the weary and hurting and extending God's grace and love to a community in desperate need. Thank you for praying for families across the border as the winter stretches on and their needs continue to grow. Thank you for partnering with us and making all of this possible. It's amazing to see what happens when the body of Christ comes together to help those in need.

"If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them." James 4:17

Check out the pictures The Mexico Freeze and video below to see a little bit of what we experienced across the border this week.

Record Cold Day in El Paso & Juarez from Casas por Cristo on Vimeo.

Last Chance to Give

2011-01-31T20:02:00.000-07:00

This is my last push for giving towards electric blankets. With most of the country experiencing freezing temps right now the border is no different. Turning on our own heat and bundling up for the weather, we can all understand how important it is to have some way to keep warm. WE are expecting temperatures in the teens and snow this week in Mexico. Without any source of heat this can turn deadly to many. Please help give so that we can purchase electric blankets for EVERY family that receives a home. Follow the link below.

Heat Fund

(make sure you designate "heat fund" in the program area)

Juarez this Weekend

2011-01-31T15:15:00.001-07:00

http://twitpic.com/3uq2ff

In Mexico recorded 22 deaths from cold

2011-01-31T13:08:00.001-07:00

This article was just reported in the El Diario newspaper on January 30, 2011. I put the translated version here. This is the link to the original http://bit.ly/ifVAUu.

Low temperatures have been recorded in Mexico from October 21 until last Wednesday have left a toll of 22 dead, reported Sunday the Ministry of Health.

The unit asked the public to take extra precautions to prevent the spread of respiratory and other problems caused by hypothermia, carbon monoxide poisoning and burns, the latter two related to the rudimentary heating systems used in marginal areas.

According to Telesur, the Health Ministry said that 18 of those deaths were reported in the state of Chihuahua and two in Coahuila, both in the north, while the other two deaths were recorded in the central state of Puebla.

This week, the minimum temperatures occurred in the town of Temochi, in Chihuahua, with 10 degrees Celsius below zero.

This breaks my heart and is the reason that I have been raising money to provide electric blankets for families in Mexico. However, at the same time I'm grateful and encouraged that so many people have come alongside these families to help. The money raised will provide electric blankets to give these families some reprieve from the cold and may be potentially life saving. With a cold front expected to hit us on the border tonight, temperatures are estimated to be in the teens this week and possibly snow Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Please keep these families that will have to fight the cold in your prayers and consider giving to tangibly help provide more electric blankets to more families. You can give to the Heat Fund here.

Waiting

2011-01-28T17:04:00.001-07:00

We visited families in Juarez yesterday that are waiting on homes. We wanted to capture their stories so that we can share them with you. We want to put names to faces and help you see the need that we see daily.

2011-01-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

2011-01-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

i sat in mexico today and watched this man limp slowly out of a building. i stared at him as he walked and i wondered what his story was; what had happened in his life. then he started coming towards my car and i prayed that he wasn't coming to talk to me, or beg for things, because i didn't have anything to offer him. as he walked up and stood next to my window i realized that i wasn't going to get by with just sitting back and watching this man pass by; rather our lives were about to collide. i rolled down my window and told him i had nothing to give. then as i looked around the car i found a half eaten bag of chips and then a half empty Gatorade. he took them, thanked me, and limped away. i've never seen anyone walk so slow and barely able to move. i spent the next 5 minutes watching him trying to walk, stopping to drink the Gatorade, then eating the bag of chips. i had been visiting families all day in Juarez. the car had been full of people but in this moment everyone was gone and it was just me. all i could think about was how this city is so broken, it is hurting so badly, there is so much need. i think what i saw in him when everything was silent was his own humanity and mine. it was just a half eaten bag of chips and half of a drink, but we are both just human, and hungry, and tired and hurting. and as i watched my reflection in the window shadowed by his frame, i realized that as different as our lives are, they are exactly the same.

Safety in Juarez

2011-01-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

Check out the news report on ABC about Casas por Cristo and the safety precautions we are taking as we continue to share God's message and provide housing to those living in poverty in Mexico.

Missionaries Take Safety Precautions When Going to Juarez

New Casas Video

2011-01-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

We hope that the faces you see in this video will ignite a personal connection to the stories of these families living across the border.

The Big 30!!

2011-01-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

So it's my birthday tomorrow, and although I haven't reconciled yet that I'm turning 30, I want to use this day the best way that I can! I've been given more than I'll ever need so the best thing I could do with this day is ask you to help me provide for others.

For my birthday on January 19th, I'm asking my friends and family to help me raise $1500 to go towards a cause that I created to provide heat for families in Mexico. Living in extreme poverty, these families don't have the money to run heaters but electric blankets will keep them alive and warm in the freezing winter.

Because of a generous donor, right now any donations given will be matched dollar for dollar up to $3000!

Facebook made it easy with a "Birthday Wish" to donate towards this cause. As I celebrate this day and all that I've been given I'd love nothing more than to use my birthday to give back. If you can't give now, please help spread the word! Thanks for all of your love and support!! Check out the link below!

Much Love,
Brittany

Birthday Wish!

What If?

2011-01-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

What if your convictions challenged and changed everything?

What if living out what you say you believe meant you had to change your whole life?

What if it called you to give up things that you love?

What if you played it safe, and never loved anything enough to trust it above all else?

What if following your convictions meant you lost your security and your unrealistic promise of comfort tomorrow?

What if you had the guts to follow it wherever it lead you, no matter what it cost you?

What if it cost you your life?

What if staying comfortable and doing nothing cost countless other people theirs?

What if?

Frozen Peachtree

2011-01-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

Apparently I missed some epic conditions in the ATL this winter. Wish I could have experienced it with you guys. Thought this was great!

2010 Through My Eyes

2011-01-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

"Live with intention, fully present in the fullness and realness of life. Serving God and taking full advantage of every opportunity and story that comes my way."
These were my goals for 2010. These are the stories that became my life...

Create your own video slideshow at animoto.com.

Waiting... Faithfully

2010-12-31T16:50:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share with you the most recent post from our Casas por Cristo Blog below. As I sit here on New Year's Eve just a few hours from ringing in the New Year, reading it put into perspective this upcoming year and the way I want to use my time and energy and my life. I hope that you all enter into this New Year inspired and excited for the journeys ahead and will step into 2011 seeking out opportunities to live a life that will change the world around you.
Much Love and Happy New Year!!
Britt

"As 2010 comes to a close we want to share a story with you that encompasses our year, our hearts and why we'll spend 2011 working just as hard to bring the hope and love of Jesus Christ to hundreds of families with stories just like this one."

Casas por Cristo Blog

If You Missed Christmas

2010-12-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

Thought this post was great and I wanted to share...

If You Missed Christmas

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

Blessed is the Season Which Engages the World in a Conspiracy of Love

2010-12-24T21:48:00.001-07:00

I'm not one for sitting and listening to anything but this message brought me to tears. I hope you'll take the time to listen and hear the truths of this season that we're celebrating! May you leave this Christmas season knowing, "the whole point of Jesus' birth is that messiness is redeemable--that there is healing and hope, that you don't have to have it all together, and that you can come as you are."
I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!! - Britt

A Christmas Message from brittany girle on Vimeo.

A Christmas Miracle

2010-12-23T11:43:00.000-07:00

An amazing Christmas story...
A Christmas Story: Part 2

If you want to be a part of something like this yourself, we have a family waiting on a home to be built Dec. 28-31. The house has already been paid for. We just need people willing to come and build! Let me know if you're interested.

Feliz Navidad

2010-12-17T13:34:00.001-07:00

Here's my Christmas newsletter from Casas por Cristo. I had to upload it as a jpg. so you're going to have to click on each page photo to actually be able to read the content!! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year and that 2010 has been full of many memories!

Jamie Wright: A Born Doubter

2010-12-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

i dig this cause it's real...

Jamie Wright: A Born Doubter

Christmas Charity Isn't the Answer

2010-12-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

I think this article is dead on...
Christmas Charity Isn't The Answer

So Much: So Little

2010-12-06T19:06:00.004-07:00

I'm burdened tonight. I can't understand how I possibly live the way that I live when others in the world around me are dying. Dying from starvation, poverty, disease... I don't know how I profess to know the God that I do and continue to live like this. I don't know how the brokenness that I see daily doesn't affect me more than it does.


The Hole in our Gospel. Richard Stearns

This isn't a call for pity and it's definitely not a call for self gratification. This is me with a broken heart, fighting tears as I walked to my apartment tonight, wondering why I'm not doing more. We are good as Americans at saying, "we've done enough." We draw this line in the sand by comparing what we're doing to what others are doing and saying we've done our part. I do it all the time. But my example isn't supposed to be you, it's supposed to be Jesus. And quite frankly it wasn't enough for Him until He gave everything. So please don't console me and tell me that I've done enough but rather ask yourself the same questions that I can't seem to shake tonight. Why isn't the brokenness, the poor, the hungry, the dying affecting me more; affecting us more? How am I okay living the way I'm living when the rest of the world is dying?

We are the richest people in the world by far. The things that we consider normal conveniences like cars and clean water and food on the table daily are extravagant. They are luxuries unknown to the rest of the world. I was going to decorate for Christmas tonight. I would much rather turn on some Christmas tunes and decorate than sit here and wrestle with this. Believe me, when I'm honest, I'd rather not care. But I can't seem to shake what I'm feeling lately despite every night how hard I try. I don't believe it's a call to carry around guilt. I do believe however, that it is a call not only to be grateful and aware of all that I have, but to do more. I was in Ecuador recently and we asked ourselves, "How much do you think we're supposed to give?" One of the answers was, "I think we're supposed to give until it hurts, because that's what Jesus did." As much as I don't want to, I think that answer is right.

Join me in seeking what more you can do. Be grateful for all that you have. Pray. Ask God what your role is in this. And have the guts to follow Him into the answer, knowing He's already there. Pray for me that I'll be willing to do the same. We're all in this together. Tonight I want us to do more. I think that our lives should have a little less so that others can have a little more.

I'd rather not...

2010-11-28T22:29:00.000-07:00

I don’t want to think about the families in Mexico that are cold tonight. In this moment I want to be back in GA where I’ve been for a week and where I’m completely removed from the suffering. Where I don’t carry the burdens of those across the border as much because I’m so far removed from it I don’t know what’s happening constantly. Honestly, I don’t want to know that the winds are howling out of control tonight. I don’t want to come to my own house and know that the wind picked up a table, 3 chairs, and a rug off my porch and threw them to the ground. I don’t want to think about families in cardboard houses trying to hide from the wind or trying to stay warm tonight without any source of heat.

I’m back on the border and it’s hard. There is something to be said about seeing the needs of others daily to truly make you take on and carry their burdens. I think you have to walk amongst the suffering. I think for it to infiltrate your heart and soul it has to affect you too. I think you have to wake up in the morning and see it until you go to sleep at night. It has to become your life rather than just a part of it. Even being on the border and hearing the wind howling outside doesn’t affect me to the extent that it would if I was sitting in a cardboard house rather than a heated apartment right now. If I was hiding from the wind myself tonight I’d fight harder tomorrow. I’d write more blogs, I’d try harder to rally people to help build houses or give donations for electric blankets. I'd pour all of my efforts into finding a way to make a difference rather than the tasks that I’ll inevitably do instead. However because the wind is howling outside my apartment tonight, everything I "needed" to do is getting pushed to the side because i can't shake this burden as i try to live my life.

I’m grateful for this perspective back on the border tonight. I’m grateful for this painful perspective because honestly I’d rather not look. I’d rather not take on the burdens of those that are suffering. I’d rather isolate myself by working, playing and living with people that aren’t in need, that aren’t freezing to death or starving. But I don’t think that’s the point of this crazy world we’re living in. And it definitely wasn’t the point of Jesus. He became one of those suffering in every aspect, got down on the same level, felt the sacrifice and the pain. Because only then could he really do something to change everything.

To find out what you can do to make a difference visit this link for more information on my ongoing electric blanket campaign in Mexico The Gift of Warmth or follow this link to give directly Heat Fund. (please designate "heat fund" in the program area)

Ecuador...

2010-11-05T01:33:00.001-06:00

I'm off to Ecuador and i have no idea what to expect. I feel completely unprepared and in the middle of life's chaos to be leaving for a big trip right now. But i don't think that life ever really seems to slow down for our plans. However, i don't want to be so busy going from one thing to the next that i miss what's happening in the moment. I think that's my biggest prayer for this trip, that by the time i arrive in Ecuador i'll have slowed down enough to be prepared spiritually, physically and emotionally for whatever God has in store for us over these next 9 days.

We'll be gone from Sat. Nov 6 - Sun. Nov 14th. taking water filters to families without access to clean drinking water. I'm going with 7 people from my church (Paseo) here in El Paso, TX. They've created a page with videos and pictures about who's going on the trip, and what we'll be doing exactly. It's possible that it will even be updated from Ecuador with what's happening while we're there. There's also a prayer guide for every day that we're gone that breaks down each day's tasks and our specific prayers. I'd be humbled and honored if you would partner with us in prayer while we're away. All of the information can be found at this link:
Ecuador Trip Page

If you're interested in helping with this trip financially, i could definitely still use your help. Shots are expensive and it cost over $400 for those and Malaria pills and the plane ticket cost over $1000. Although we had a garage sale to raise money and our church took up an offering to cover some of the other costs, i still had this to take care of on my own. I've set up a link to try to cover those costs HERE if you're interested in helping out.

Most importantly is the opportunity that we have not only to share clean water with these families in need, but the love and hope of Jesus. I'm grateful, humbled, and honored to be a part of something so much bigger than me. I'm even more grateful that you're willing to be a part of this alongside me. Thanks for all your help.

Much Love,
Britt

Missions and Mixed Emotions: Reflecting on a Christian Conference

2010-10-29T21:49:00.000-06:00

Grateful for this opportunity to share ...
Missions and Mixed Emotions: Reflecting on a Christian Conference

My Trip to Ecuador

2010-10-29T21:19:00.000-06:00

I'm heading to Ecuador Nov 6-14 for a mission trip with my church. We'll be taking water filters to families that are living without access to clean water. I'm trying to raise the last funds that I need to cover what my shots and plane tickets cost. Here's a link to our trip page for more info on who's going and what exactly we'll be doing. Paseo: Ecuador Trip Thanks for anything that you can do to help, whether it's through prayer or financial support. I'm grateful that you're willing to be involved in this trip with me!! Here's the link to the fundraiser! My Trip to Ecuador

Casas tribute to Amy Lowrey

2010-10-27T23:50:00.001-06:00

After 10 years with Casas por Cristo, we couldn't tell Amy goodbye without sending her away with some words of advice for her new friends and coworkers!

when i am weak...

2010-10-23T12:42:00.000-06:00

When i am weak then i am strong
When i am broken then You can heal
When i can't walk then You can carry
With less of me there is more of You
Only when i don't have enough can you be more than enough
How can i learn to trust you if i never need you
How can you show me you're faithful if i don't need faith
Why would i want to know You if i have all i want and need in me

Casas por Cristo Blog

2010-10-20T15:17:00.000-06:00

Check out the new Casas blog and keep up to date with everything that's happening on the border!

And help us spread the word!!

Casas por Cristo Blog

Save Blue Like Jazz

2010-10-04T22:32:00.000-06:00

Save Blue Like Jazz from Save Blue Like Jazz on Vimeo.

It's A Good Day to Be Alive

2010-10-04T00:37:00.002-06:00

From Tony, Katy, Jax and Mia:
"Jax's 2010 JDRF Video. Thanks to everyone who participated and donated to find a cure. Still praying. Still hoping. Some day . . ."

The Stories We Tell

2010-09-19T21:52:00.004-06:00

every face is a story. a life brought into existence with one breath. created in beauty and love, to change the course of history for eternity. what's yours?

The Stories We Tell

Hanging with Alma

2010-09-14T20:34:00.001-06:00

I think most of the moments in MX go unseen. They are too busy being lived to be documented. They are the days and conversations just spent hanging out with the friends we've made over the years. But every once and a while we get those moments of normalcy captured on film. This is my friend Alma. She helps me with my Spanish when I have no idea what's happening. :)

Happy 25th Anniversary Super Mario Bros!

2010-09-13T15:50:00.000-06:00

dreams became scars

2010-08-31T21:17:00.000-06:00

i'm soaking wet from the rain. the kind of freezing cold rain that comes down in an instant and soaks you to the bone. it started and i just stood there and let it drench me to the core. i hoped for a moment that it would clean the earth, or at least just make me clean. this world is broken and i am broken in it.

i only talked to her for a minute. she sat outside the gas station smoking a cigarette. i got in my truck to drive away and as i stared at her i couldn't leave. i jumped back out and asked her if she needed anything. as we talked i saw her arms. they were covered with scabs, and fresh wounds; cuts from razors to release the pain. they started at her wrists and went until i couldn't see any further on both arms. i've never seen so many cuts. i've never seen someone make so little effort to hide their scars; to hide their pain. it was as if she was screaming out for help without saying a word. she was all i could think about as i drove away. i wondered about her life. i wondered where she'd sleep tonight. i pictured her sitting there now, inevitably sitting in the rain as it poured down too, and all i could see was brokenness and pain. i felt overwhelmed by the thought that we are a world of hurting people; people crying out for anything to dull the pain.

my mind is flooded as the fullness of life surrounds me. my world is spinning; people are growing old, others are dying, friends are leaving, and i can't slow any of it down.

we are all hurting for so many different reasons. life didn't go as we planned. we lost the person we loved. our wishes didn't come true. what began to make us better made us lose everything. what were possibilities became disappointments. and with it all, the picture of perfection that we clung to as a child faded with our dreams along the way.

and in the pain i think we're settling. i think that we're afraid to fight. i think that we don't want to fight. i think that we're tired of fighting. and so we quit or we give in. and we cry out for help, or we just cry and begin saying nothing at all.

when it comes down to it, i don't see redemption in this world outside of Jesus. i don't see hope or the possibility of much more than what is before us. and to me that is defeating, to me that is hopeless. I can't get the words of CS Lewis out of my head tonight. and i can't stop listening to this song.

If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. - CS Lewis

Red, Yellow, Black, White, LOVE

2010-08-25T18:31:00.000-06:00

Check out and help support my friends Pete and Abby as they sell these t-shirts to help raise money
for their adoption from Ethiopia. The link to their blog and place to purchase the shirts is
TEXAS PETES.

Give a Damn?

2010-08-25T14:13:00.005-06:00

challenging

2010-08-24T17:12:00.000-06:00

Proverbs 30:7-9 says:
Two things I ask of You;
don’t deny them to me
before I die:
Keep falsehood and deceitful words
far from me.
Give me neither poverty
nor wealth;
feed me with the food I need.
Otherwise, I might have
too much
and deny you, saying,
“Who is the Lord?”
or I might have nothing
and steal,
profaning the name
of my God. HCSB

Why don’t we pray that?
-Francis Chan

Philip's Question

2010-07-14T15:06:00.001-06:00

Nuru's latest video.
So proud of my friend's work and what they are doing to bring about real change in Kenya.

Philip's Question from Nuru International on Vimeo.

No Waves, No Water, No Worries

2010-07-07T14:12:00.001-06:00

My new means of transportation.
You won't bring me down El Paso.

2010-07-01T12:13:00.001-06:00

"a ship in a harbor is safe, but that

is not what a ship is built for."

- Grace Hopper

for i know the plans i have for you...

2010-06-14T12:00:00.005-06:00

"For i know the plans i have for you, 'says the Lord.' They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

i like this verse a lot. i like to put it on graduation cards and photo albums. i like to use it when someone is at a new stage in their life and needs to be reminded that God is in control or to trust that things will be okay. i put this verse on the front of a photo album to my friend one time. he was in a really hard stage in life and was moving on to new things. i wanted to encourage him and remind him of all the amazing things God had done through him and would do in his future. he died from drug abuse a year later.

"for i know the plans i have for you..." it sounds so nice, makes you feel all warm and cozy inside. i don't use that verse near as much anymore. i think of that photo album a lot.

you see that verse didn't lose it's truth for me, i just gained new meaning and understanding of it. i think i gained a much truer meaning. see God does know the plans He has for you and me. plans for hope and a future. but those plans aren't always the same as our plans for our lives or what we will choose to live out. they weren't in my friend's case. in his case he fought a drug addiction he never got a hold of. our plans don't always involve leaving the path that we're on to follow God's path for our lives instead. and when they don't, i think we drastically misconstrue this verse to make us feel like OUR plans will all work out and be just fine regardless of the fact that we're no where near the path that we're supposed to be on in life or headed straight for destruction.

i've learned a lot about plans in the past few years. that's what your 20's are for right? making plans, breaking plans, figuring out the plans for your life. well God's plans didn't fit into my mine very well. not even a little bit. in fact His plans didn't include any the plans i had for my life. this comes as quite a shock at 23 when you are busy "planning" out your life, graduating from college, and preparing to live out your future. now i'll never act like i really had that much figured out for the road ahead, but everything God had in mind for my life definitely would not have found it's way into my "plan" for life.

i feel like instead of the mapped out future that we attempt to come up with, i got handed two sheets of paper; two game plans.
Mine: lots of question marks and arrows that go in a million different directions.
God's: pretty much a blank sheet of paper that just said "El Paso, Casas por Cristo, GO."
that was all i got. that and an impending ulcer and feeling of my stomach in my throat every time i took a breath. these are the moments when that verse comes in handy, "for i know the plans i have for you Britt. I do. you don't."

and so began my journey of Jeremiah 29:11. the story of my life. people get frustrated sometimes because i'm not much of a planner. but when you have your whole world turned upside down and life becomes more about questions than answers, you begin to lose that great need to plan out anything very concretely. this verse is not about promising a life of ease or comfort or everything falling into place without disease or death. it is about trusting God's plans enough to follow His above our own, even when we don't understand why. and trusting in His promise that His plans are for hope, and a future, for good and not for harm; whether we think we know where either road leads or not. that was never the point. His plans. not yours. remember?
and somedays that promise is all i have.

let it be

2010-06-12T13:01:00.005-06:00

i think we're scared to death to be free.
We're scared to death to feel that loss of control.
We might be living in plush lined coffins but they are comfortable and familiar and we have made our spot there.
We fit.
There is something terrifying about letting go or being cut free.
It is walking out into a beautiful day yet nothing you see looks familiar.
It is finding your way again in a new city, amongst new friends, and trying to discover where you find your place in it all.
And once we find our spot we tend to never attempt to fly again.
Or when we do, it shakes everything.
And we feel we have to begin all over.

You may strip everything from your life and jump with nothing to hold onto;
but you still carry within you every moment of the life you've lived.
It's become a part of you.
It is you.
We are constantly evolving, constantly changing, constantly becoming, every day.
You will never be the same tomorrow as the person you woke up as today.
We are continuously changing yet we have this facade of control.
And therefore we are afraid to let it go.
But truly, we never really are in control.
We never were.
So we surround ourselves with the things that we know that make us feel safe inside; all the while the world is really shifting beneath our feet.

So today:
Find the strength to throw the walls and comforts of what you have known to the side and watch them fall wherever the wind blows.
Find it within yourself to face your biggest fear and learn that it won't kill you.
Do the one thing that you've always wanted to, but you know you never will.
Free fall for a while as the pieces of familiarity pass you through the sky.
And realize that this has been where you were all along;
yet you were so insulated by all that you knew, you couldn't feel the wind beneath you.

when you can free solo beyond the realm of control to the point of falling

2010-06-11T16:15:00.006-06:00

i see God in nature and truth in creation. after i posted the climbing video below i stared at it and saw a tagline description beneath the video. it isn't visible on my blog but this is what it says, "when you can free solo beyond the realm of control to the point of falling." all of a sudden i saw this as far more than an explanation for a video but as a goal for life and freedom in faith and God. i realized that this is the perfect definition of faith.

i want to live a life that pushes the limits of possibility and what others are afraid to even consider. i want to trust so much in my God that i find myself completely out of my own control. i want to climb the highest mountain with no ropes and leap with only one chute there to catch me. only in that moment of free fall, will i learn whether i will die or fly.

"the idea that i once had was that falling was death.
now falling is control.
instead of dying I'm flying"

control

2010-06-11T15:28:00.004-06:00

"i once had the idea that falling was death.
now instead of dying; i'm flying."

life to be lived

2010-06-05T22:10:00.001-06:00

i have words to put on paper, but i have no idea what they are
i feel like i'm sitting in the middle of boxes and things are unrecognizable
probably because i am
new things are coming in as fast as the old leave
i'm moving, and it feels like i'm leaving a lifetime behind
i'm trying to put my hand on something familiar as familiarity slips though my fingers
and that's okay
we try so hard in this life to hold on; hold on to everything
because it's comfortable, it's familiar.
good or bad, we've worn it before and somehow it begins to fit, even if it breaks and cracks along the way
all that we really know when we step forward is all that we're leaving behind
newness brings questions; questions of the unknown, and waking up in a new place without the familiarity of the same old walls.
good or bad, so often we cling to what we know, because at least we've felt it before.
it has become a part of us and it is ours
and for the fear of letting go, so often we never fully step into the life ahead to be lived.

i'm moving from where i live
changing positions at my job
and somehow it all feels like i am beginning again

i'm leaving a porch of solitude where words on paper under a starry sky have become my best friend and exchanging it for a porch filled with laughter and friends to share those words with
it's time to move on
it's time to live my life with others again
it's time to let people back in; to let them into the walls that i have put so much time into building up this tight
it's time.
and it is good, and exciting, and it feels like how life is supposed to be lived
yet nonetheless, what i have known here for so long is all i've ever known in this town.
this has become my home.
so as i sit here and pack up an apartment filled with memories, and tears, and prayers and a million ghosts, i find myself trying to find and hold onto what has been so hard, because if nothing else, it has been mine.
yet as i put the tape on the boxes and pack up these 29 years of my life, i know it's time to close this door and walk through the next one.
i know that there is still so much more life to be lived.

transparent balloons

2010-06-03T09:26:00.002-06:00

i'm proud of my friends, and the lives that they are choosing to live. they inspire me. my friend David wrote this...

"i sometimes feel inadequate. ok...i often feel inadequate. that is my struggle. i feel like i have this beautiful family of mine to provide for and lead and love on...and i have this calling on my life to serve the one true, living God and i often feel like i am the wrong man for the job. im not depressed, quitting or running away from my family. a friend of mine recently wrote about wearing everything that we are out front for the whole world to see. she spoke of her struggles and the need for help getting over those struggles. she used balloons as her way of floating her prayers into Heaven. she used a black one in place of the "mess" in her life and a white one to show the pure love that God has for us. it made me start thinking. we all have our battles. we all have that "something" that we struggle with. why should any of us have to face that alone? so here i am...because of my friend, letting you all know that i have failures too. i just finished cutting my hair. i was starring myself down in the mirror, looking for any spots that i missed and the word "perfect" came to my lips. we all know that it was not about my looks! so i stood in wonder of where this thought came from. i stood there for about 20 minutes. God knows my heart best. He knows where i excel and where i fall time and time again. He knows when i wonder if i've been a good father or if i've loved on my wife enough. He knows when i fear that i am chasing my dreams and not His. He knows how i struggle with the faith that He will provide everything we need for the ministry we are in. He knows me best. tonight, He caught my attention and let me know that everything is perfect. i am not perfect. but His plans are. He has given me the family that i have and placed me in the exact spot that He needs me to be. that is my validity. He in me, He in my family, He in the ministry that we are in is what is perfect. i don't want to be fake. i don't want anyone to believe that i think myself better than another. i want to be honest and true. i want you to know me. i want you to know my struggles. will you pray for me about this? i want the reality of my heart to become the transparency of my life. please don't be confused by this. im not sharing this for sympathy or an extra hug next time we meet. im telling you this because we are friends and friends should actually care. i want you to know more about me. i want you to know things i love to do and things i hate to do. i want to become more real. i want to live this life with you wide open for Christ, holding nothing back and i can't do that if you don't know who i am. can we start a new meaning to friendship together? can we start a new meaning to caring?
- im david godzisz. have we met?"

between oblivion and blazes i'm led

2010-06-02T09:10:00.002-06:00

Well I've got bills to pay,
and taxmen on my tail.
I just keep praying
That the check's in the mail.
And there are times
it seems that everything's lost,
When I'm blown and I'm tossed,
But then I see.

Between the river and the ravens I'm fed,
between oblivion and blazes I'm led.
So father give me faith,
in providence and grace.
Between the river and the ravens I'm fed,
oh sweet deliverer you lift up my head,
and lead me in your way.

Well I've grown sick and tired
of trying to stand still.
I've learned to let the wind
blow me where it will.
To throw myself into the will of the wave,
how can we ever be brave until we're free.

Between the river and the ravens I'm fed,
between oblivion and blazes I'm led.
So father give me faith,
in providence and grace.
Between the river and the ravens I'm fed,
oh sweet deliverer you lift up my head,
and lead me in your way.

And though I'm walking through the valley
of the shadow of death
and evil's all around,
it's coming from the right and the left.
I trust that I will see your glory above,
oh your banner of love, flies over me.

Between the river and the ravens I'm fed,
between oblivion and blazes I'm led.
So father give me faith,
in providence and grace.
Between the river and the ravens I'm fed,
oh sweet deliverer you lift up my head,
and lead me in your way.

Consider The Ravens by Dustin Kensrue

More Dustin Kensrue music on iLike

this is why i do what i do.

2010-05-28T09:51:00.001-06:00

www.casasporcristo.org

transparency and $6 worth of balloons

2010-05-24T11:57:00.006-06:00

i believe in transparency. i believe in life and the stories that we find ourselves in. i believe in learning from other's lives and experiences. i believe in sharing our stories to become better and to better the world around us, rather than hiding our true selves and acting like we have it all together while the rest of the world struggles to stay afloat. i believe this takes unbelievable sacrifice and humility to put yourself out there and announce to the world that you are not okay. i believe that we can't ask others to give what we aren't willing to give ourselves. i think that very few people have the strength to stand on their own words and live them. i think that this world would be better if we did. i think that one person's strength liberates others to find their own. i am honored to live life beside my friend Amy and watch her exhibit the greatest example of strength and humility i have ever seen. i am better because of her story. i am different because of her example. i am stronger because of her strength. i am living differently because of her life. i hope you will be too.

here's her story...

(this is a letter that she wrote on Facebook that i had to pass along)

Ok, let's be very clear. I do NOT want to be writing this. And more importantly, I do NOT want to be posting this on facebook. I have been wrestling with this "note" for many months. And unfortunately in church this morning God informed me that not only would I be spending my precious Sunday afternoon writing it, but that I would also be sharing it with the masses. So, I pretty much fought back tears the entire service (and of course, I lost that fight) knowing that today was going to get messy. So, here I am, preparing to be transparent. Preparing to share my inner workings with some virtual strangers, people I work with, my mom, extended family, closest friends, and people that I lead on mission trips. My hands are actually shaking as I am typing, and I can barely see through my tears, but here we go.

I'm kinda broken. Phew...that was hard to write, and also a lie. I am not kinda broken, I am broken. Now my hands are shaking even more, and I can't see at all through my tears. I have been sad every day for at least the last 260 something days. Now, don't get me wrong. There have been alot of great events and moments during that time. I have spent amazing moments with dear friends and family. I have given homes to the homeless. I have taken trips and gone on amazing adventures. But through all of this i have brought my sadness with me. The sadness was like helium balloons tied to my wrist. Always getting in the way and limiting what I was able to do. Not allowing the ones I love the most to get close. Sadness, just hanging around.

I love a boy. I've loved him for four years. I've loved him with every part of my heart and mind. He's my favorite...my favorite person I've ever met. I can't even fathom liking someone more than I like him. But the thing is, we just can't work it out. We can't make all the pieces fit as they should. And believe me, we've tried. I've tried. He's tried. I love Jesus. He doesn't. He once did, but he doesn't now. It's a deal breaker for me. There are other issues beyond that, but this is the only one that isn't reconcilable for me. I'm sad because the person I love most in this world I can't be with. But I'm even more sad that the person I love most in the world doesn't know Jesus. I wrestle with this all of the time. My heart breaks for him. There are no more words to say. I no longer know what to pray.

What had started with a broken heart has snow balled into what I can only really describe as depression. It started out because of a boy, but it has seized nearly every area of my life. I'm not happy. It's obvious. I don't really laugh very much these days. I don't really enjoy my friendships like I used to. I don't feel very loved or important too often. I'm much more content to just be by myself. And I guess the reason I am writing this is not to tell the tale of a girl and a broken heart, but really to strive to get my junk out in the open so I can start to move past it. So that I can cut the balloons from my wrist and get back into the business of living.

I'm Amy Lowrey. I'm happy. I'm funny. I have alot of friends. I love my job. I am a missionary. I love my crazy life. I am smart and put together. I am the rock. I am the counselor. I am the solid one. I'm not supposed to crack. But, I did. I've been trying to look like I'm not walking around wounded and full of cracks, but it's not really working. Those around me know better. And I am just really tired of not being ok. It's not about a boy anymore. Although I miss him everyday. It's about the fact that I have all but lost my joy. And I am willing to bring my "baggage" into the light to fight to get it back.

No matter what you believe, I believe that I am under a spiritual attack. You can think that's weird, but I am living it. It has infiltrated my sleep, my waking thoughts, my job, my relationships, my joy, my peace, my laughter, my personality, and my self worth.

And today is the day that I want it to stop. Today is the day that I want to say no more. Today is the day that I am tucking my tail and asking for you to help me. I have prayed relentlessly. I have read. I have studied. I have been to a counselor. I have taken herbal supplements. I have screamed. I have cried. I have begged. I have literally been on my face. I have talked to close friends. I have written prayer after prayer. I have literally commanded Satan to flee from me. And yet, 260 something days later, I am still shackled, and I am pissed about it.

Which honestly, that is the best place I can probably be. I have been fighting, but today, I'm ready to step it up a notch. I'm ready to call in the army, which is you. I am on the verge of being horrified that you are reading this. You fall into any of of the following categories: virtual stranger, person from high school that I haven't seen in a billion years, acquaintance from college, mission trip team member/leader, good friend, best friend, mom, brother, extended family, or co-worker. My tail is tucked as far as it can go, and I am reaching out for your help.

Will you fall on your face for me right now? Will you go to God and ask Him to take care of me. To free me from my sadness. To restore my joy. To restore my friendships. To let this boy I love know Him as Father. To let me know that I am loved to the ends of the earth. To allow me to sleep. To allow my thoughts to not spin horribly out of control. To give me uncontrollable laughter. To allow me to be the best version of me that He has created me to be. To cut the balloons from my wrist.

I'd like to be clear that this is not about "him". This is not a hope that we can pray things right. He was simply the catalyst for a tough time in my life. That door is closed.

Thank you. I know that there are many people out there with much greater hardships than me. But, I believe that God has called me to be a world changer, an earth shaker, a friend to the poor. And until I get back to being who he has called me to be, I can't serve with the fierceness that He has intended.

I went and bought balloons today. I like symbolism. I like tangibly seeing my prayers written out. I bought 6 balloons. Red, orange, yellow, green, black, and white. I wrote out every prayer, sorrow, and petition I could think of on the red, orange, yellow, and green ones. It felt so cathartic. I didn't hold anything back. I left the black and white one blank. I tied them all to my wrist and went into my backyard. I just walked back inside after spending my most significant and beautiful time with God that I've ever had. I cut each balloon from my wrist and watched it drift away into the sunny El Paso sky. I loved watching my prayers literally float up into Heaven. I then released the black balloon...signifying all of the junk and mess that I was now ready to let go. And then, I released the white balloon...signifying how pure God's love is for me. I loved that at this point the black balloon was only a tiny speck amongst the clouds, but this balloon signifying hope was now far bigger. I am no longer crying. My hands are no longer shaking. I am ready for a new day. I literally cut the balloons from my wrist today, but now i am ready to actually do it to the junk in my life too.

I like today. I haven't been able to say that in a long time. I am hoping to love tomorrow.

...symbolism.

...honest prayers.

...prayers lifting to Heaven.

...the black one is only a speck.

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/notes/amy-lowrey/transparency-and-6-worth-of-balloons/404805822392

Leaving Uganda but Uganda won’t leave me

2010-05-24T11:52:00.000-06:00

Leaving Uganda but Uganda won’t leave me

Zac Smith Follow-Up

2010-05-18T17:24:00.002-06:00

For those of you who were following the Zach Smith story.... beautiful post by his wife!

http://www.hello-righton.com/2010/05/17/my-love/

What If I Wait Until It's Too Late?

2010-05-18T11:23:00.002-06:00

Today is the day. Just do it. Whatever it is...

What If I Wait Until It’s Too Late?

Posted using ShareThis

Our Life's Stories

2010-05-17T07:41:00.001-06:00

The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

Zac stepped into eternity yesterday. "God is still God. And God is still good". Praying comfort, peace, & healing over his family everywhere as the story of his life is celebrated!

i have lived

2010-05-10T22:03:00.000-06:00

I have lived
I have breathed
I swear I believe
I have seen my footprints upon your sky
I have felt what it's like to fly
I have risked it all
Lost it all
And survived the fall
I have trusted
Felt completely busted
I almost died when the waters thrusted
I have sacrificed
I have taken
I have hoarded
I have spent
I have laughed till I cried
I have thrown your ashes to the wind
I have hoped and believed
I have lost my way to see
I have walked through darkness
With only your hand to guide me
I have fallen and bled
I have risen from the dead
I have cursed
I have praised
I have gone astray
I have sunk into darkness to find it gray
I have felt your touch when I closed my eyes
I have found peace in nothing but your skies
I have found the question and lost the answer
I have watched you die from the cancer
I have lied
I have tried
To find my way
I have read and prayed to feel today
I have scars to replace the wound
I have laughed enough to fill the room
I have searched
I have found
I have watched it crash to the ground
I am alive in the swell
I feel my heart yell
I have lied in truth
And walked on the ashes of my youth
I have lost my dreams
Amongst the screams
I have it all I'm told
I have nothing to hold
I am completly lost
I am totally found
All I'm following is your sound
I have lived
I have breathed
I swear I believe

lights, laughter and love

2010-05-07T12:39:00.002-06:00

last night, originally uploaded by BG!.

i just really like this picture!

2010-05-06T06:27:00.000-06:00

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.
-mary anne radmacher

i will fail you

2010-05-05T21:58:00.001-06:00

i'm terrible at managing relationships.
i spread myself too thin and want to save and help everyone.
i don't want anyone to hurt and if i can do anything to help or stop it, i will.
i try to play God and i'm sure at times i get in his way.
i have a hard time saying no.
i can't balance everyone's burdens and lives well; but i try.
i take them upon myself and they eventually overwhelm me.
and then i let you down.
it will happen. i'm sure of it.
i won't mean to; but i will.
i'll try to carry too much of you.
it's not fair to either of us.
it's not my weight to carry, and you don't need to be carried by me.
at the same time i'll do everything in my power to protect myself.
i will let you need me, but more than likely i will try not to need you.
that way you can never hurt me. or disappoint me. or fail me.
that way you will never fall off the pedestal that i never put you on.
that way i can save us both.

breathe in, breathe out

2010-04-17T09:51:00.000-06:00

do you feel it?
do you feel your breath on your hand ?
do you feel your chest rise as you take it in?
the breath that fills your lungs
then a moment later exhales the world as it leaves.
that momentary, insignificant breath is so much more;
it is life,
it is opportunity,
it is today,
it is now,
it is this moment
to create,
to be,
to love,
to laugh,
to mourn,
to worship,
to dream.

this breath is life.
and this moment is to be lived.

I am far too easily pleased...

2010-04-17T09:37:00.000-06:00

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." C.S Lewis--The Weight of Glory

only words

2010-04-13T22:47:00.000-06:00

i'm in love with words
i love how in an instant they can create something beautiful,
or something that cuts deeper than a knife.
put together in the right way, they can bring you to your knees;
they can make your heart stop.
in a moment, in a word; everything changes.
they can't be taken back.
they can be re-spoken, restated, restructured;
but their effects remain forever.
in the perfect order, paired with the perfect cords, they create the melody that changes your entire day; your whole being.
they can break your heart or heal it.
cut through your soul or seal it.
they change you.
they make you.
they are you.
only words.

Lynx Artisan Gallery

2010-04-13T10:21:00.000-06:00

Check out the pics from the Artist's Reception.
Lynx Artisan Gallery