where were you

"i found God, on the corner of 1st and Amistad."

i walked into work this morning and saw a map sitting on the table.  it said "visiting Amistad."  we're expanding our ministry to a new border town.  there is a lake there called Lake Amistad.  we're trying to figure out as much as we can about this city, about this place that God has flung the doors wide open for us to walk through.

to say that there's been a lot going on lately with work would be the understatement of the year. i've wondered daily what God is doing with our ministry.  how this new city is going to play out.  how big this next step is.  we're in the midst of lots of questions, the answers are fewer and farther in between, however coming in their own time.  when i walked in and saw the map i thought, "great, Amistad, at least God will be there," as the song from The Fray "You Found Me" has been on repeat in my head for the past 3 weeks.  The Fray found Him at Amistad as least, so i'm delighted to know that He'll be there when we arrive.  but in reality He is there.  He's there preparing the families we've never met, the streets we've never driven, the weeks that we've never imagined, the kids that don't have a home right now or any hope, and the families that have given up.  He's there.  just as He's here in Juarez, and with each of us, as we are living out this moment.

but honestly, as much as i know God is here, i don't know what that means sometimes.  i've always strayed from the idea of Christianity as one of lambs and rainbows and new cars and everything falling into place.  in fact, i tend to view it as just the opposite.  there are no promises of anything different than what this world offers, just this promise that in the midst of the world's tragedies and my own, a promise of hope.  sometimes it's all that's left.  yet when hard times come, i still revert back to my human instinct.  i look for God and scream, "where are you?"  

i don't understand why unspeakable things happen in our lives, why the injustices of the world exist.  i don't understand where God is or how he can possibly watch us cry out.  i could throw out answers, i'm tired of answering, i'm tired of hearing answers.  it's funny because i don't believe my God promises an easy life, but when it comes crashing down i ask where He is, as if He is not exactly where He has always been; right here.  as if the circumstances and life gone terribly wrong, somehow make God any less present.  i've always believed that his promise is just to be here, when life takes it's twists and turns, and not that my faith in this God warrants me some get out of jail free card filled with perfect days and sleep filled nights.  or is it?  if that's what i believe, then why in my mind do the two go hand in hand?  is my God one of circumstance?  there when all is right with the world, but lost somewhere in the midst and out of control when the unthinkable happens.  how could you let this happen if you love us so much?  really- "where are you!?"  yet somehow i've got to disconnect the two.  i've got to believe in a God that is bigger than what does or does not happen.  but it's hard for my human mind to comprehend.  it's hard for me to understand why the violence in Juarez is happening and innocent families have to live in that fear. it's hard to understand 911, the wildfires in Australia, Hurricane Katrina, AIDS in Africa or human trafficking and slavery around the world. yet i know he is there. i see his presence everywhere, amidst the chaos, in the flames i still see his face; His beauty even in the ashes.  it's hard to see the lives of those around me suffer terrible tragedies and know that God is right there and loving us just as much as he always has, even in the midst.  i'm beginning to realize that it's almost impossible for me to disconnect my God, from my circumstances.  i have a hard time comprehending how my loving God can let us hurt, let those closest to us die, let the unspeakable happen.  i guess that's why i scream out "where are you" because even though i say i don't believe that God promises only good things for us, i have a hard time comprehending that his love and goodness does not waver when all that seems to remain is pain. maybe it's not him that's hiding at all, but me that has a hard time seeing him through my own rubble.  

my best friend lost his brother recently.  two days after his death i wrote something that seems fitting now.  

 "as i stood in the rain tonight crying, staring at the sky, I realized that my tears were being washed away by the rain.  as the downpour covered my face, i soon couldn't differentiate between my own tears and the rain.  i thought just maybe that was you God.  showing us there is no difference between our tears and your own.  that you are right here with us, mourning with us, pouring your tears down, and washing ours away as we cry."  

maybe the words to the song ring truer than i realize.  we only need to be found if we are the ones that are lost.  the reality is, You were never the one that was lost; it's just us trying to find our way back as the smoke clears and the ashes settle in around us.  all the while choosing whether we want to be found, or to just disappear into the blaze.

Where were You when everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by a telephone
That never rang and all I needed was a call
That never came to the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure, You found me, You found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd You have to wait, where were You, where were You
Just a little late, 

You found me, You found me