Goodbyes

i don't understand goodbyes. they break my heart. i think that i've had to say more goodbyes in the past 5 years than i ever said hellos. i think that's why they hurt so bad now. my friend is going home to tell her grandmother bye. i don't understand. life seems so obvious to me these days. so obvious that we are born, have a certain amount of years to live it out, and then we go. sometimes it doesn't last as long as we expect it to. you grow up learning how this world works, you do it the best you can, and then you start to lose those abilities over time as you get old. life is precious and it becomes more and more apparent to me daily.

i sat with my neighbor last night and talked and laughed. all the while at the back of my mind was the thought that this woman is staring the end of her life in the face; she has terminal cancer. i felt like i couldn't breathe the whole night.

my friend is going home to say bye. i went home and told my grandmother goodbye 2 months ago. as i think of her doing the same my eyes fill with tears. the immediacy of life and what we do with it seems so obvious. the rest is so out of our control.

the thought that someone is there and then they are gone is so absolute. so final. so hard. so heartbreaking. so lonely. so silent. so loud. so painful. so real.

i hate goodbyes.