Faith & Fear

I realize that every time God provides, I say thank you with fear...

When the Israelites were wandering through the desert God provided food as they needed. In Exodus 16, vs. 4, God said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day." He told them to only take what they needed for the day, and to trust that He would provide. Verse 8 says, "You will know that it was the Lord when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning." "BUT... verse 19 says, "No one is to keep any of it until morning. However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell..."

It is clear that God is trying to teach the Israelites to learn to trust Him and to believe that He would provide. And honestly, finding myself in that same position, I would have freaked out; I would have questioned. I would have been the person stashing food in my pocket for tomorrow and thinking,"I know you provided today... But will you provide tomorrow?" I mean, I get really, really hungry! And honestly, I think those are legitimate concerns! Apparently, I would also be the person waking up with maggots in my manna.

I realize that I would have walked the whole time wondering and worrying about tomorrow instead of trusting. Living on the edge, instead of diving in. It wouldn't be a debilitating fear, in fact it would be something I may not even recognize. A subtle feeling. Always lingering. Always with me. But one that keeps me from riding the wave fully. Like a surfer, I may trust when I feel the wave rush beneath me and carry my board, but I wouldn't be paddling out in front of it, so that I can get the best ride of my life; trusting that it will carry me where I want to go.

And I realize that this fear has been the lingering feeling following me this entire season of wandering in my own unknown. I equated it to being unsettled; not having a consistent job or even my own place to live. I realized that I was waiting to really breathe once I had all of those answers. That I could finally begin to trust once I could see everything tangibly in my hands; a set of keys and a consistent paycheck.

However I'm learning that what this unsettled feeling has been all along, is a lack of faith. I'm not berating myself for needing a minute to process the fact that the last two years have flipped my world on end. And that not having a home or a consistent job has been something that I've had to learn to wrap my mind around myself. But I don't want to miss this journey and wait to take a deep breath when I can put my trust in worldly things again. I want to take my deep breath and rest solely on Him when I'm standing out in the middle of the water.

He's giving me that opportunity. I want to seize it while I'm still wandering.

-Confidently Wandering