free

8 days have passed since my life changed forever.  a person that was a part of my world, is no longer here.  8 days ago i got a phone call that changed everything.  these have been the longest days of my life.  every night i go to sleep and every morning i wake up with tear stung eyes.  every waking and sleeping breath has been filled with Mark.  amazing that someone that's gone, can consume so much of our actions, thoughts and breaths, in death.  why do we wait till people are gone to glorify their life, to tell them how much they are loved?  how long does it take to clean up a life?  35 years, and in a day and a half it is gone.  the pieces are picked up, but the puzzle will never be put together.  the questions that were questions 8 days ago, will remain unanswered forever.  what broke you?  when did you lose hope?  did you lose hope?  did you know we all loved you?  i hate that it takes someone passing, for us to tell them how much they are loved.  it doesn't matter then.  it never will again.  but what are we supposed to do, pour out all of our love on one person every day?  maybe.  it wouldn't make sense though, or would it? it just sucks that a person never gets to know how much the world truly cares, because it will be poured out once they are gone.  we can never know what we have, until we no longer have it.  and then it doesn't matter.  it's gone.  life is messy.  but at what point does the messiness warrant us reneging our love?  it doesn't.  it never does.  it doesn't for God.  it never should for me.  it didn't.  

but now my friend is gone and my kitchen is filled with what he left.  i haven't slept much.  i haven't eaten much.  i am just beginning to take it in and think.  i don't know when i'll realize that you're gone.  i don't know when it will hit me.  this busyness has been good, good for pushing away the pain.  i can feel my body shaking, because it doesn't know what else to do.  the world never stopped spinning.  i thought it should.  i got mad that it didn't.  didn't anyone care?  i lost my friend.  he isn't here anymore.  doesn't anyone care?  but the world goes on.

i've realized a lot in the past few days, about what matters and what means nothing at all.  nothing you did got left now that you're gone, unless you did it for another.  thankfully Mark, you gave your whole life to others.   i am surrounded by your ghost, because you are everywhere.  you left so much here.  you gave so much.  you are gone, but the houses you built still remain.  your memory remains.  everyone talked about your giving spirit, how much you gave to the world no matter how much you were hurting.  i hope one day i'll be so lucky that people will say the same about me.  i'll learn from your example.  you gave your faith, to anyone that was willing to listen.  you gave them Jesus.  i realize Mark, that dyno we worked on forever at Hueco, and that mountain we spent all weekend climbing to the top and back down, and those pictures we waited for the perfect shot to take, none of them matter now Mark.  but every Easter when we made our own sunrise service to worship the rising of our King, and every house we built for a family in Mexico, and every time you gave to someone because they needed it, or just wanted it, but most of all, every time you told someone about Jesus, or showed them that with your life; it's all that matters now.  It's all that will last.  everything else is gone.  it left this world as soon as your soul did.  

you've taught me a lot about what matters in this life, and what doesn't matter at all.  i've spent a lot of years confused and pouring time into the things that won't matter once i'm gone.  even the greatest accomplishments and awards, they don't matter once i'm gone.  they won't matter in a few years if i'm still here.  so thank you for teaching me, not to waste my time.  i thought i understood what that meant, i thought i "got" what was important, i had no idea.

the world is starting to spin again.  so much of me isn't ready for it to.  the computer finally got turned back on, the radio's starting to sing again, i'll catch up on sleep at some point, start eating 3 meals a day again, and maybe start having a thought that doesn't encompass the fact that you're not here.  i'll get up in the morning for the first time since you've been gone, and pick up the old routine.  the old routine tomorrow happens to be going to build a house in honor of you with our Casas family.  but i guess that is our routine. :)

you've taught me a lot Mark.  through your life and your death.  you taught me that i want to learn to fly free.  to let go of all the things that really don't matter at all here, because they'll be gone the minute i am.  it all goes in the trash, unless i do something to better another person's life. and truly, even that lasts only as long as they do.  nothing really matters, unless i do it while showing the love of Christ.  in the end, even the houses we build crumble and fall.  unless i show others the God that wants to set me free, nothing else really matters past the glitter and dust that form on our worldly accomplishments.  nothing else lasts for eternity.

i'm glad you're finally free.

at some point i'll be able to think clearly enough to actually write something that makes sense.

at some point i'll look at pictures and realize that you are gone.

at some point i'll start feeling this world again and not just simply existing in it.

at some point i'll lose it and have to remind myself that you are finally okay.