"he left you a parting gift"
(i stayed up all night writing this into what became the morning of 12/4/08. i didn't know why i wrote it, but knew that God was completely inspiring each word. i put the last period on the page and knew that it was done; but had absolutely no idea why i had written it or when i would post it. as time goes on i learn more and more from these words. i don't know if they were just for me, or maybe for someone else too. all i know is that i would never write anything to dishonor my friend, but i felt these words were written to bring God glory. i know that if Mark could tell me anything right now, he'd tell me to "tell them about Jesus," so i hope that's what i've done, using his life as the means for which to do that.)
i spent tonight talking with a friend; going over the past month and a half and thinking about how crazy everything has been.
it's been a rough month and a half, and at the same time, i've never felt so close to God in my entire life. it's a weird thing, and doesn't make any sense at all, yet i have this sense of excitement about this God that i feel like i am falling in love with for the first time in my life. weird i know. but i don't know another way to explain it. we all know the look on our faces or our friends' when that "special someone" is in their life. it's all over their face. they're excited and can't do much to hide it. strangely, i feel like this is exactly where i am with God right now, and it doesn't make sense in my mind, because i've been in the midst of heartache and tears. but when the tears dry, the excitement remains.
my friend Mark died about a month and a half ago. it's been a roller coaster. the rest of life never slowed down for the blow either. it just piled on top.
there was something different going on in my life though right before Mark died. i finished what i'm convinced is the most important book i've ever read. i use the term "book" loosely, because it's only about 60 pgs. which is perfect because that's about all i get through before the ADD kicks in anyway. the book is called "arm yourself against the enemy's schemes" by Beth Moore, and i'll buy the extremely expensive $2 copy for anyone that might read it because i've never read more important words in my life. sounds super spiritual and religiousy (my word) i know, but they're invaluable words for anyone who's faith is important to them.
right before Mark died i was in a place in my life where i kind of figured the bottom was going to drop out at some point soon. not for any specific reason, just because that's how things seem to go. it tends to be this viscous cycle in my life, when i feel like things are going pretty well in my walk with God or smooth in my life in general, somewhere it starts to rain; and then it pours. i almost wait for it, because i know it's coming. i had no idea it was going to come as a call from Mark's sister that he had died though.
it's been pouring a lot lately.
i'm drenched.
i remember even thinking after i got the call, "i knew it was going to rain. not like this though." "i can't let this destroy all of the faith i'm gaining in God and this amazing place that i'm finding myself in with this relationship with God."
and see here's the thing; in the midst of all of this that i can't shake, in a time when everything in me wants to run as far away from everyone and everything as i possibly can, i have this unexplainable desire for God and what he's doing in my life. even as i type that i have this look on my face of, "what are you talking about?!" "did you read what you just wrote?" but i guess the thing about it all is this. although Mark's life is gone, it would all be in vain if we didn't take the time to learn from it.
in the midst of Mark's battle, he never quit loving God, and God never quit loving him. we prayed forever for God to heal him. it wasn't until i was driving to see my friend's ashes poured out over the Grand Canyon that i realized God finally did. he gave him the best healing ever, He took Mark home. the story doesn't end with Mark's life in that truck, and as much as i want to dwell on that, something inside me won't let me. something inside me is begging me to learn from Mark's life. begging me not to let the littlest thing in because i've seen so clearly Satan's plan there. begging me to have the strength to dig through all that's within me and have the strength that Mark didn't have, and i've never had, to let God have it, and let God "Give life in all its fullness." or at least give God the opportunity to show me that he's faithful and can be trusted. I know it's God screaming within me not to miss it, but i swear i can hear Mark too, begging me not to let this all be in vain. begging me to have the strength to let God in where i can't even stand to go. begging me to let God set me free.
i still can't go through Mark's stuff that's piled in my kitchen. it still hurts too bad right now. but there is some kind of excitement in the midst of this all in God and what i've seen him do and be in my life that i can't explain. there is something in this relationship with Him that is pouring out of me that i have never known before. i have seen God more real in the past month than any time in my life. a prayer, a hope, a plea, a wondering look at a starry night sky, have never become more real and tangible than now. at a time when my faith seems like it should be the thing on the chopping block and in question, it has never been more alive and more real.
as i talked with my friend tonight, he said, "Mark gave you more in his death than he could ever give you in his life.
He left you a parting gift."
ironic, that somehow in Mark's death, i have been given one of the greatest gifts i've ever received.
i have never known God's love and realness so true in my life and i've never had the guts to share that so openly with the world around me.
Mark's passing is a constant reminder that life is short, and it speaks through my fear, when otherwise i would turn and walk away.
it's given me the opportunity to share the excitement of what i've seen God do in my life lately and i've seen it overflow into other's lives as they seek to find the same within.
maybe your death will bring us all closer to God Mark.
maybe it will give us the strength to let God completely in and to set us free before it's too late.
maybe it will give us a sense of urgency as we realize that this battle is real, and so is death.
maybe it will give us the strength to say the things we never would before and to be honest with each other.
maybe it will give us the boldness to be vulnerable, and live this life together and catch each other before we fall.
ironically a story that seemed to end so wrong, has somehow only just begun.
it's only over if Mark's life ended there.
Mark is finally free now.
Somehow his death has given me life, and will continue to bring God glory and give life to others as it touches and changes theirs.
i know he wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
it's been a rough month and a half, and at the same time, i've never felt so close to God in my entire life. it's a weird thing, and doesn't make any sense at all, yet i have this sense of excitement about this God that i feel like i am falling in love with for the first time in my life. weird i know. but i don't know another way to explain it. we all know the look on our faces or our friends' when that "special someone" is in their life. it's all over their face. they're excited and can't do much to hide it. strangely, i feel like this is exactly where i am with God right now, and it doesn't make sense in my mind, because i've been in the midst of heartache and tears. but when the tears dry, the excitement remains.
my friend Mark died about a month and a half ago. it's been a roller coaster. the rest of life never slowed down for the blow either. it just piled on top.
there was something different going on in my life though right before Mark died. i finished what i'm convinced is the most important book i've ever read. i use the term "book" loosely, because it's only about 60 pgs. which is perfect because that's about all i get through before the ADD kicks in anyway. the book is called "arm yourself against the enemy's schemes" by Beth Moore, and i'll buy the extremely expensive $2 copy for anyone that might read it because i've never read more important words in my life. sounds super spiritual and religiousy (my word) i know, but they're invaluable words for anyone who's faith is important to them.
right before Mark died i was in a place in my life where i kind of figured the bottom was going to drop out at some point soon. not for any specific reason, just because that's how things seem to go. it tends to be this viscous cycle in my life, when i feel like things are going pretty well in my walk with God or smooth in my life in general, somewhere it starts to rain; and then it pours. i almost wait for it, because i know it's coming. i had no idea it was going to come as a call from Mark's sister that he had died though.
it's been pouring a lot lately.
i'm drenched.
i remember even thinking after i got the call, "i knew it was going to rain. not like this though." "i can't let this destroy all of the faith i'm gaining in God and this amazing place that i'm finding myself in with this relationship with God."
because of the way i was already trying to hold on to my faith, when the call came, somehow God made me hold on to him rather than follow my instinct to throw God and everything else out the open window i just watched my life fly out of.
i'm grateful he held on to me, even if i tried to let go. i saw God so much even in the midst of Mark's death. in the details, in the things that had to get worked out and organized. so many people 'happened' to be at the right place at the right time, and about a million "coincidences that just seemed to come together perfectly." God was everywhere. as we mourned; He held us. and it was so evident that it literally left me speechless.
God shows up a lot of times in places that i don't think he belongs. i've seen him more in my life in the last places i would go looking for him than in the church pews and altars we prepare for him. i think this speaks volumes. i don't think he's sitting in a pew listening to the hour sermon. i think he's more often sitting with the person breathing gas into their lungs because oxygen isn't enough.
i know he is, because i know he was with Mark when he took his last breath. as he is with me as i try to take every one following.
Mark's life didn't end glamorously. it's not an uplifting story of a rough time in life that God miraculously made better and healed from every addiction and pain. it's one of a man of God that fought this battle of life and lost his path along the way. a man that loved God with all of his heart but let Satan in for an instant, and lost his life because of it. John 10:10 says, "The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness."
i'm grateful he held on to me, even if i tried to let go. i saw God so much even in the midst of Mark's death. in the details, in the things that had to get worked out and organized. so many people 'happened' to be at the right place at the right time, and about a million "coincidences that just seemed to come together perfectly." God was everywhere. as we mourned; He held us. and it was so evident that it literally left me speechless.
God shows up a lot of times in places that i don't think he belongs. i've seen him more in my life in the last places i would go looking for him than in the church pews and altars we prepare for him. i think this speaks volumes. i don't think he's sitting in a pew listening to the hour sermon. i think he's more often sitting with the person breathing gas into their lungs because oxygen isn't enough.
i know he is, because i know he was with Mark when he took his last breath. as he is with me as i try to take every one following.
Mark's life didn't end glamorously. it's not an uplifting story of a rough time in life that God miraculously made better and healed from every addiction and pain. it's one of a man of God that fought this battle of life and lost his path along the way. a man that loved God with all of his heart but let Satan in for an instant, and lost his life because of it. John 10:10 says, "The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness."
i never really grasped the severity of this verse before. i will never forget it now. all the games i played with my life and faith ended the day Mark died. he's dead. this isn't a game.
Mark had back injuries from a helicopter crash he was in when he worked for Grand Canyon Helitack. he became addicted to prescription pain killers. he didn't mean to fall. it just happened. his back hurt. he let his guard down. he let other things in. once he opened the door he couldn't find his way back out.
he died in his truck with a bottle of dust off in his hand.
i am one step away from falling.
we are all one step away from falling.
there is a battle going on and i've never been more aware of it than now. i think complacency is Satan's key to make us think it doesn't matter, it's not that big of a deal. it's always worked in my life. i bought into it. i've never physically met God before, i've never met Satan either. so i do the best i can with what i have where faith and trust and understanding come in. but it's hard to have a huge amount of concern for something i have only read about. however in the past month this scripture has turned from something only read about on the pages of a book and come to life in the form of my friend losing his life. i am given the realest reminder of this battle with Satan in our lives as i wake up every day and Mark is gone. i can't forget; as every moment i pass by all that he left behind.
i've chosen so many times not to worry about the little things that i let into my life that i know come between me and God. i've never taken to heart that the little, harmless thing that i let in, will inevitably be the thing that kills me. Mark fought a battle against something that could kill him physically. all of the things that we let in will kill us eventually. if not physically, then spiritually (as it draws us away from God), but it will find it's way to kill us somehow, it's inevitable. and little by little i allow it, and i have no idea i'm dying slowly. and somehow, i find it easier to let it kill me, than to let God free me. Mark couldn't find the strength to let go. i know he would want anyone to learn from his death. i know he would want me to learn from his death.
Mark had back injuries from a helicopter crash he was in when he worked for Grand Canyon Helitack. he became addicted to prescription pain killers. he didn't mean to fall. it just happened. his back hurt. he let his guard down. he let other things in. once he opened the door he couldn't find his way back out.
he died in his truck with a bottle of dust off in his hand.
i am one step away from falling.
we are all one step away from falling.
there is a battle going on and i've never been more aware of it than now. i think complacency is Satan's key to make us think it doesn't matter, it's not that big of a deal. it's always worked in my life. i bought into it. i've never physically met God before, i've never met Satan either. so i do the best i can with what i have where faith and trust and understanding come in. but it's hard to have a huge amount of concern for something i have only read about. however in the past month this scripture has turned from something only read about on the pages of a book and come to life in the form of my friend losing his life. i am given the realest reminder of this battle with Satan in our lives as i wake up every day and Mark is gone. i can't forget; as every moment i pass by all that he left behind.
i've chosen so many times not to worry about the little things that i let into my life that i know come between me and God. i've never taken to heart that the little, harmless thing that i let in, will inevitably be the thing that kills me. Mark fought a battle against something that could kill him physically. all of the things that we let in will kill us eventually. if not physically, then spiritually (as it draws us away from God), but it will find it's way to kill us somehow, it's inevitable. and little by little i allow it, and i have no idea i'm dying slowly. and somehow, i find it easier to let it kill me, than to let God free me. Mark couldn't find the strength to let go. i know he would want anyone to learn from his death. i know he would want me to learn from his death.
and see here's the thing; in the midst of all of this that i can't shake, in a time when everything in me wants to run as far away from everyone and everything as i possibly can, i have this unexplainable desire for God and what he's doing in my life. even as i type that i have this look on my face of, "what are you talking about?!" "did you read what you just wrote?" but i guess the thing about it all is this. although Mark's life is gone, it would all be in vain if we didn't take the time to learn from it.
in the midst of Mark's battle, he never quit loving God, and God never quit loving him. we prayed forever for God to heal him. it wasn't until i was driving to see my friend's ashes poured out over the Grand Canyon that i realized God finally did. he gave him the best healing ever, He took Mark home. the story doesn't end with Mark's life in that truck, and as much as i want to dwell on that, something inside me won't let me. something inside me is begging me to learn from Mark's life. begging me not to let the littlest thing in because i've seen so clearly Satan's plan there. begging me to have the strength to dig through all that's within me and have the strength that Mark didn't have, and i've never had, to let God have it, and let God "Give life in all its fullness." or at least give God the opportunity to show me that he's faithful and can be trusted. I know it's God screaming within me not to miss it, but i swear i can hear Mark too, begging me not to let this all be in vain. begging me to have the strength to let God in where i can't even stand to go. begging me to let God set me free.
i still can't go through Mark's stuff that's piled in my kitchen. it still hurts too bad right now. but there is some kind of excitement in the midst of this all in God and what i've seen him do and be in my life that i can't explain. there is something in this relationship with Him that is pouring out of me that i have never known before. i have seen God more real in the past month than any time in my life. a prayer, a hope, a plea, a wondering look at a starry night sky, have never become more real and tangible than now. at a time when my faith seems like it should be the thing on the chopping block and in question, it has never been more alive and more real.
as i talked with my friend tonight, he said, "Mark gave you more in his death than he could ever give you in his life.
He left you a parting gift."
ironic, that somehow in Mark's death, i have been given one of the greatest gifts i've ever received.
i have never known God's love and realness so true in my life and i've never had the guts to share that so openly with the world around me.
Mark's passing is a constant reminder that life is short, and it speaks through my fear, when otherwise i would turn and walk away.
it's given me the opportunity to share the excitement of what i've seen God do in my life lately and i've seen it overflow into other's lives as they seek to find the same within.
maybe your death will bring us all closer to God Mark.
maybe it will give us the strength to let God completely in and to set us free before it's too late.
maybe it will give us a sense of urgency as we realize that this battle is real, and so is death.
maybe it will give us the strength to say the things we never would before and to be honest with each other.
maybe it will give us the boldness to be vulnerable, and live this life together and catch each other before we fall.
ironically a story that seemed to end so wrong, has somehow only just begun.
it's only over if Mark's life ended there.
Mark is finally free now.
Somehow his death has given me life, and will continue to bring God glory and give life to others as it touches and changes theirs.
i know he wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
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