Sugar Bugs

Chantell says I never write anything funny. She says she doesn’t check my blog that much because she worries about me (I just think she’s too busy.) She’s concerned that I sit in my apartment and question life’s mysteries all the while not eating or turning on my heat to sympathize with the less fortunate of this world. In order to calm her restless heart, let me share some knowledge that I learned this weekend. It involves lollies, my shoes, the wisdom of a 3 year old and my own personal tragedy.

You see, about 2 weeks ago I found myself driving to the dentist office in tears and standing at the front desk informing them that I would be sitting in their waiting room the rest of the day until someone could help me. They got me in quickly; I think it was the constant sniffling. They immediately let me know the reason for my pain. The dentist assistant lovingly said, “Oh, you have a hole in your tooth. It looks like you lost a filling.” When the doc came in I questioned him, “Did I loose a filling? “ “Nope, you just have a hole in your tooth.” “What?!” This is the same reaction I had with him the last time that I visited (2 yrs. ago), when he told me that I had 5 cavities and I told him that he had the wrong x-rays. But I believed him this time; I just don’t understand how it got there. See here’s a little background; I’m a tooth brusher. Now I know everyone acts like they are, but you know that you’re not all teeth brusher’s, and you know who you are. Since this incident I’ve become more and more intrigued and angered by this population of non tooth brushers that have no dental problems. I’m beginning to learn that some of those closest to me are in this population and their dental routine is astonishing at best. I personally am standing back 10 more feet than normal when chatting with them, because whether their teeth are falling out or not, I know it’s a disaster in there. I’m intrigued and angered by the individual that can not brush their teeth but once a week, maybe, and never have a cavity.

In college it was a competition of sorts between my closest friends to see who would end up with the most cavities. We’re all teeth brushers, but somehow upon visits to the dentist my roommates would come home with an obscene amount of cavities at one time (I believe 12 was the big winner). We would proudly display these results on the refrigerator because I don’t think someone could do as well if they tried. Those cavities will probably never be completely filled because I know my friends still have impending dentist appointments as that many fillings required multiple appointments. This was at least 7 yrs ago. They’ve gone AWOL from the dentist, apparently never to return because they know what awaits. However, I unexpectedly stepped up to the plate to figure out what awaits. After finding the hole in my tooth and an infection and digging around the nerve forever, I left with a numb face for the next 9 hrs., a prescription for penicillin and an appointment for a root canal. What?! Again, I’m a tooth brusher. Perhaps the dentist didn’t know this. I let him know. So of course upon receiving this news I promptly sent an “I win” e-mail to my college friends to let them know I have now bypassed all of their cavities and moved on to the root canal. Seems fitting. I’m 28 now. Things are supposed to start going down hill right? I’m sure the impending hip replacement is on its way.

However, a little more light was shed on this whole situation this weekend by my 3 yr. old friend Mia that smokes a pack of cigs a day. In Mia’s raspy voice (it’s ok, we’re going to speech therapy together) she starts to talk to me about sugar bugs and how they eat at my teeth. She then pointed at some cartoons in a book and said that those were sugar bugs; they looked like the Berenstain Bears to me, but I digress. So as Mia informed me that my current state was from the sugar bugs I argued with her that I’m a tooth brusher. She would have none of it, as she walked around in her Hello Kitty hat and told me of my impending doom with my love for lollies. In all of Mia’s infinite wisdom, I now have a great understanding for the problem with my tooth. 

And I can tell after I confessed to her about the hole in my tooth that she walked past me with a look of distaste that our relationship might never get past. They taught her about this at school and I encompass everything that is disgusting and wrong with the world. The sugar bugs are my friends and I’m afraid that Mia is no longer. I borrowed some of her rainbow Aquafresh hoping that might do the trick and that I could win her back. The next day as I was getting ready to leave she walked up to me and lovingly says, “I don’t like your shoes.” There you have it. I’m clearly out. All because of the sugar bugs. I didn’t know what else to do as our relationship is clearly ruined, so as she pranced around in her Cinderella glittery slip-ons, I let her know that I didn’t like her shoes either. She danced by. I have sugar bugs and ugly shoes. I can learn so much from my cigarette smoking 3 yr old friend. I’m gonna tell the dentist about the sugar bugs. He may not know.