for a nickel and a dime

i've been trying to figure out who to be mad at. who am i supposed to be mad at that the families i love in Juarez have been living in fear for the past 9 months? the drug cartel took over the city about 9 months ago and nothing has been the same since. the families there have lived in a sense of fear that i don't have the capacity to understand and they don't have the privilege of crossing a bridge to get away from. the aftermath that we have felt from working for an organization that operates in this city daily is nothing compared to what these families know as their lives. yet with the influx of the cartel also came huge changes in my life and in the lives of every person i work with. all of a sudden a trip to Juarez became a bigger decision than just crossing a bridge. it turned into questions of faith and safety; God's will and our own; trusting God when it might not be safe to for the first time in my life. 

9 months ago we made a decision to keep crossing the border. we have had to remake that decision every morning since. the city of Juarez has changed a lot in the past months. yet truthfully the media has affected us more than what's happening in Juarez has.  we are not dodging bullets, we are taking every precaution that we can, and we aren't seeing any differences in the Juarez we have always known. despite what the media is pouring out, the smiles of kids playing soccer in the streets, the mother's walking their kids to school, and the vendors on the side of the road do not match the headlines that are flooding our airwaves. there is a drug war going on, but it is a city of 2 million. there is more going on in this city than the drug war.  

yet as the negative publicity grows, the positive stories are happening less and less. and as fewer Americans come to Juarez to build homes for families, more and more families lose hope. these families are still praying for help, but the difference now is that their prayers are going unanswered. they are losing hope in us.  they are losing hope in God.  we have been called to be His hands and feet, and we are not going. with the growing negative media, the need for houses is also growing, as more and more American churches retreat in fear.  what we see happening every day has more to do with the family in Juarez that doesn't have a warm place to sleep than it does with the U.S. church that loses their week long mission trip in Mexico. most on this side of the fence will still go to sleep with a roof over their head, they will be warm at night, their days will continue as they did the day before. but for these families in MX, a group from the U.S. not coming to build them a home does not only take away their shelter, it takes away their hope; in God, and in us. we have seen grandmothers chase our distributor off with a broom as he was forced to take the materials for their home away. about a week before the house is to be built we put all of the materials needed in front of the family's land. we promise them a house in days, and instead of a home we are having to come and take those materials away. we are still God's hands and feet; perhaps the only representation of Jesus these families will ever have an opportunity to see, and we are refusing to help.  we have become exactly what they have always known; another promise broken.  this time in the name of God.  

i have wanted to be mad at the faith of the American church. as they retreat back to the safety of the suburbs, my neighbors on the other side of this fence continue to fall asleep in what would never pass for a shack on this side. i have wanted to be mad at the people sending e-mails notifying us that they are canceling their trip, only to scroll down and see the signature at the bottom of the e-mail that has some clever phrase about having faith in God. i'm tired of seeing wealthy American churches have no idea that their decision not to come and help just changed everything for a family in Juarez. i want to be mad at these churches but i can't, cause i get it. i get that they have to make the best decision for their youth groups. i get that they are promising parents that their children will be safe. i get that there is risk involved. i get it. i see the same things that they see in the media. i read the same articles that make me consider never crossing that bridge again. but i also get the opportunity to see first hand what else is happening in that city; what they can only take our word for.  i get it because my family watches the same news reports that these teams do when they call and cancel. i know because i watched the same report tonight that said, "residents inside war zone are driving armored cars to stay alive." i get it. my truck isn't armored. nor are bullets flying in my direction when i cross that bridge.  i have a house to build on monday. there is a family that also doesn't have an armored car, or even a car at all, that still needs our help.

so in trying to figure out who to be mad at, i finally figured it out. i'm mad at everyone that uses, buys, or sells drugs. i don't care if it's once a year or once a day; it's all the same. i thought losing two friends to drugs would be enough to hate it. it was. but now my life is being threatened because of it. every time someone gets high, someone else's blood is all over it. i know, sounds harsh, but before i moved out of my comfortable little home in GA, i never saw the other side of this game either. i heard about it; i didn't care, it didn't affect me. now it does. now it affects me every single day. now it affects people i care about on the other side of that fence. now it affects every person that wants to come and build a house for a family that doesn't have one. i work in a place that is being torn apart by a drug war. i work in a city where families live in fear at the hand of this. 

according to the latest reports it hits even closer to home than i realized. it's close to impossible to get drugs to the U.S. without going through Mexico first. then a majority of those drugs are on the fast track to.... ATLANTA. that's right. because atlanta is a major drug distribution hub and has been dubbed "the new southwest border."  surprising i know.  so the reality of the fact that people doing drugs in GA is directly affecting me is realer than ever. the fact that you are affecting families you've never met, that are just trying to live their lives and make ends meat might matter to you as little as it mattered to me, but you are now the reason that my life is being shaken daily. as much as i would like to think that your decision to do drugs in GA or in any other state just affects you in that moment, you're dead wrong. you have no idea whose life you're destroying with each hit.

so we'll continue to watch what happens across the border daily. and we'll continue to take every precaution that we can. but we'll also continue to do the work that families are begging us to do across that river. and as long as there are people buying drugs, families in Juarez will continue to live in fear, children will continue to grow up without homes because Americans are scared to help, and our lives will continue to be put at risk.  but that doesn't really affect your comfortable life in the states.  i mean it's a world away isn't it?  

my worlds have collided.