i trust you...

when we were kids my step-dad used to throw us in the pool. he would spin us around and launch us like rocket ships shooting through the air. every once in a while though, there were moments when he would grab me and i would scream, "don't throw me, don't throw me!!!!"  and when i did, he always responded with, "do you trust me?" and i knew, in that instant, that i would be fine. i may feel scared to death as he spun me through the air, but i knew that his hands would never let me go.


even at 31 years old, i still think of this all the time. there are moments in life when i am scared out of my mind and i have to think about my earthly step-father to understand my heavenly father more. when the questions and the fears of this life start rushing in, i turn into that 7 year old girl all over again. immediately i have to remind myself that i'm in my dad's arms and i can hear him asking me if i trust Him.

trust. 

i've probably dwelled on this word more than any other singular word in my life.  if i were ever to get a tattoo it would be "trust." written across my wrist for those days when i can't remember on my own.

Merriam-Webster defines trust as this, "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something." trust doesn't have anything to do with circumstances and how life plays out,  but rather belief in God and His sovereignty as He directs the details and they unfold.

still, i find myself constantly trying to hold on to the stability and promises in this world; something that i can sink myself into. the truth is though, that i never can. i don't always get to choose the next step in my journey or stop life from spinning madly out of control. what i'm beginning to understand more and more is that life isn't spinning out of control at all though. it's just out of my control.

over the years i have lost people and things that i wanted to hold onto. i have felt my grip pried open as pieces washed away and things left that i prayed never would.

i was left instead with empty hands.
those "things" replaced with a choice.
a choice to believe in Him no matter what, or to question it all as i fell apart.

my life has taught me to trust.

it doesn't mean that my heart won't break, that the tears won't fall, or that the rains won't come. it doesn't mean that i will like the next step in the journey or even be able to understand it at all. but it means that as i become drenched and tossed around in this world, i trust that my father will never let go of me.

as the doors of life blow open and the questions pour in like leaves around me, i hear my dad asking me as he holds me in His arms,

"Do you trust me?"

and i marvel as i hear my own response...

"with every fiber of my being."