self sufficiency is my god

i have become convinced today that self sufficiency is the God of America.
we don't need things, we don't need God, we don't need much.
we have everything that we need.
why would we need a God if we have it all already?
we think that we have it all at least.
and we do, materially, we do.
most of us are in need of nothing.
want; Yes. need; No.
the most dangerous thing, is that we think we have it all.
and we go through our whole lives like this.

it's a lot easier to be aware that something huge is missing when it is electricity, or a car, or clothes, or a bed to sleep in, or food everyday.
it's obvious when these things we need to physically exist are missing, rather than recognizing the same need and intensity for something that is missing within us.
it's not as easy to notice when what is missing is in our heart, or our soul.
"something is off" and we know it, but we push it out, and we go on.
it would be easier if it was like food, and if we didn't do everything we could to get it, it would physically kill us.
but it's not. it's within us.
and i'm convinced the lack of God within us will eventually kill us too, but in a different way, and most of us will never realize it until it's too late; until we're gone.

we can go our whole lives without ever dealing with the questions that creep in when it's quiet or keep us awake late at night, because we have mastered the fact of convincing ourselves we are okay.
self medicating is our answer to the questions and somehow the nagging fades away.
the tv, the internet, our daily drinks, our drugs, or the radio so loud we can't hear ourselves think.
all that we "have to do," makes it all go away.
we surround ourselves with people so that it's never quiet, we HAVE to do this for the kids or our families, our job and our friends, the church needs a meal and the kids need cupcakes.
we make ourselves so busy that maybe we can tune out the noise.
we're geniuses.
we are so good at convincing ourselves, especially with the things that are "good" and "have to be done" that that's all it is.
it's necessary. we are busy. we have no choice.

we are self sufficient in every way, and when our soul starts to scream out because it's the only thing in life that we can't buy to fulfill our needs, we do everything we can to stop the screaming.
we drink a little bit more and turn up the noise. we make ourselves too busy to hear the silence, or feel the pain.
until it's all completely numb. until the next day comes at least.
the world is breaking under this curse, self sufficiency is breaking our souls.
it is tricking us into thinking we need nothing and have everything.

i work in a place where people have nothing.
i go to church with them, and i've never seen such real gratitude.
i've never seen people give more thanks, when i'm looking at them and wondering what they're so thankful for.
they have nothing.
they live in cardboard and pallet houses that the wind blows through.
if they have a solid house, it's no bigger than a shed, and they still go to the bathroom outside and have yet to know even the luxury of a sink in the kitchen or water inside to brush their teeth.
what are you so grateful for??!!
they are grateful because they woke up today.
they are grateful because they may or may not have had food today, but are alive.
they are grateful because they have a family.
they are grateful for their kid's health.
they are so grateful.
they go to church to thank God; we go to church for an hour.

we have it all. but we are missing so much.

and the saddest thing, is we push it so far away, that we don't even realize it.
yet i look around, at my life, at our broken world.
i see a world numbing the pain, instead of having the strength to look within.
i see a world of people fighting their whole lives to never have to face the silence that tells them something's wrong, only to one day lose their lives in the battle.
so we turn up the radio, kill the silence, and drive as fast as we can to our next distraction.

all the while i'm convinced, that there is a God sitting there, ready to make the screaming go away, just waiting for us to stop and be still.
waiting for us to recognize that in the world where we have it all, something really is missing.
and for us just to ask, in our brokenness, with more questions than answers, for God to meet us where we are and teach us about who we are in Him.
to teach us about the freedom he wants to give us, instead of having to push out the deafening sound of emptiness because he's not there.
instead of spending the rest of our lives running away, he's just waiting for us to have the guts to be still.